There are some things that should just never be said. Being a mom of a child with special needs I have had many comments made to me most of which were meant to be encouraging, informational or helpful but unintentionally have been hurtful, judgmental and demeaning. So I decided to make a list of the Top 5 Things to Never Say to a Mom (Dad) of a Special Kid.
5) "He/She seems just like ________________"
(Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, Max from Parenthood, Joe Blow from down the street, you fill in the blank) What you may see as a simple observation or even compliment may not transfer the same. When Ben was first diagnosed a well intended friend compared Ben to another child we both knew. The child was a little older and diagnosed with significant disabilities. While it was true that they had many similar traits (more than I had the courage to admit at the time) all I could do was over-analyze why/how my son resembled (and more importantly did not resemble) the other child. There is really nothing about this kind of statement that is helpful. It is best to let the parent determine when/which qualities mirror those of another.
4) "What is wrong with him/her?"
This should be obvious but you wouldn't believe the number of people who have asked me. It is just wrong. Don't ask it. For any reason. EVER!!!
3) "What is his/her prognosis?"
For oh so many reasons. Mainly though.... this question scares the crap out of us. For most us we are living a day at a time and thinking about the future too deeply will likely cause us to sweat, hyperventilate and break out in hives. The reality? For the most part we do not know the future, (which is terrifying) honestly even the best doctors will not attempt to predict outcomes. We already obsess over the "What ifs" without having to rehash them with everyone we meet. If you need more clarification see What will Ben need to know?
2) Anything that begins with a negative statement.
More times than I wish I have heard "He talks weird. What's wrong with him?" This is the deadly duo. Two consecutive "nevers" in a row. Say this to the wrong person at the end of her (his) rope and you will likely need to duck. Once a person begins with a negative, my ears shut off and I hear little of what they are trying to say to me.
And drum-roll please.........
1) "You should ______" or "You shouldn't ______"
Please never, ever begin a sentence with these two words. I do not care if you were once a special education teacher, if your grandson has a disability, if you are the gluten free guru or even a parent of a special needs child yourself do not say it. Just don't. These two words carry more shame and guilt than any other two words in the dictionary. No-one, I repeat NO-ONE wants to hear "You should have done blah, blah, blah" Unless you are me (and you are not) please do not direct me on what I SHOULD/SHOULDN'T be doing.
For the most part I have an awesome support system consisting of family, church family, friends, teachers and random strangers. If you develop a relationship with that special mom (or dad) you will likely find out what you need/want to know in time and eventually even offer solicited advice. Just wait until the time is right. Till then watch for the next edition....
What Every Mom (Dad) of a Special Kid Wants to Hear! (or at least this mom anyway)
