Stop the Shame

This is not going to be the typical People Pleaser shaming post.

I was 40 years old before I realized.

It started when I was barely 10 years old. We were at family counseling when the well-intentioned therapist told me “You are the peacemaker” I did not know what it meant but the way she made it sound it was not a good thing. It was my destiny to bring peace to my family and I was not doing a very good job.

As years passed, I began to understand that peacemaker also equated people-pleaser, of which I was the very best. I have confessed many times to my people pleasing ways, vowing never to return only to find myself under the guilt of pleasing people once again. Oh, but did it feel good.

The internet is inundated with negative people pleasing posts, just some of my favorite;

“Why Being a People-Pleaser is Selfish”

“Psychology of a People-Pleaser: Why they Need to Please Everyone”

“Do you Have People-Pleaser Syndrome?”

It is a syndrome? EVERY. SINGLE. ARTICLE. Full of shame and guilt. Can we acknowledge sometimes the internet is depressing?

The wound deepened when I was taking a Nurse Leadership class and we were required to take a Strength Finder’s Quiz. The basic version of the test (which I recommend everyone invest the $19.99 to take or just buy the book) gives you your top 5 strengths. The word Woo was one of the first words I saw when my results popped up on the screen. Woo? What is that? As I read the quick definition, I was disheartened. One of my biggest strengths is people pleasing. Wow, thanks Strength Finder.

Then I read more.

“The genius of your WOO talent involves the impact you can have on other people and the ease with which you can win them over. You have an incredible ability to meet new people and almost magically know what to say in order to draw others out. Other people love the attention you give them and the way that you can affirm a person so quickly. Of course you love the process and the challenge of meeting new people. And people love it when you connect with them. The genius of this talent is that you can not only quickly connect with people but you can be a catalyst in helping people connect with one another. Make no mistake about it, when you enter a crowd the crowd it will be different because you were there. In fact, you have the capacity to transform a crowd of disconnected people into a group and this is no small accomplishment.” @strengthstransform

For the first time in my entire life, I realized people pleasing maybe wasn’t the sin I made it into. For the first time, I realized wanting to make people happy was not the worst trait about me. For the first time, I realized what I thought was my greatest weakness could also be my greatest strength.

I have never really had an “Eat, Pray, Love” aha moment but I guess if I had to pick one, this was it. My quest for self-discovery was revealed in this peculiar little word, Woo.

Like every great strength it can also become a great weakness. Quite frequently I have to ask myself, “Why am I doing this?? And at “What expense?” Am I committing myself to this task because it fulfills my passion and puts wind in my sail? or am I trying to look important or get ___________(insert name) to like me? AND it might put wind in my sail (making others happy, genuinely makes me happy) but at what expense? It might make me happy to say yes to that commitment but will it be at the expense of the people I love most? Will my family and best friends suffer as a result? Because that DEFINITELY will not make me happy in the end (I just can forget in the moment).  I can often over commit myself simply because they are all things I LOVE TO DO and generally they are things that make others happy (aka pleased).

Ready for this? Wanting people to be happy is not a bad thing. Actually though. Here is a confession. I have candy on my desk at work because chocolate makes people happy. (well most people, my people) I like when people are happy. I like when someone is having a stressful day, they stop over and get some chocolate and feel better. I (gasp) like that feeling.

I spent my first 40 years fighting against the way God made me, the gifts He has given me. I will spend my next 40 (or however many the good Lord provides) embracing and finding balance in my woo. If you are like me, I hope you can too.

Strengthfinders

A Year in Review

It has been one year since we sold our first Not for Sale shirts. I could hardly believe it when the reminder popped up on my social media timeline. For me this mark in time has significant meaning. One year ago, God turned my world completely upside down.

In June 2018 I was preparing for my third trip to Honduras. I had a better idea of what to expect, I was still nervous, just not the same jitters and anxiousness that the unknown brings. I was excited to re-unite with old friends who were now like family. Which is weird to say because I had only spent 20 physical days with them at most. Funny to reflect on now, the one consistent with a trip to Honduras is that you really never know what to expect.

God has always met me in Honduras. He has taught me lessons so deep and so powerful, I am thankful to have learned them and grateful He trusted me with them. I have experienced grace, I have been convicted by my pride and selfishness, I understand on a new level the importance of gratefulness and I have been reminded of God’s great love for me and those around the world.

That being said, God had never met me in Honduras the way he did June of 2018. Maybe He has never met me that way anywhere. As per our norm we worked and played at our favorite little school in San Pedro Sula, we made food bags and for me I mostly played soccer with the 1^st and 2^nd grade boys. That is the extent of both my soccer and Spanish skills. This particular year we had a side trip to a smaller town a couple of hours away from San Pedro Sula. We were partnering with a Lego League team from a local middle school to bring an actual working water filtration system to provide clean water for a small school and the surrounding community.

I was excited to embrace this new adventure. Turns out the boys there enjoyed playing soccer too. The landscape was different but the people were just as kind and hospitable. The first day, some had heard I was a nurse and asked me to take a look at a couple children struggling with malnutrition, to give advice on nutrition that might lead to growth. The following day a young lady (let’s call her Maria) sat down next to me and my youngest daughter Grace. Turns out they were the same age. She was carrying a baby, it was not uncommon for older siblings to care for younger siblings. With my limited Spanish I offered her a smile and hug, she hugged back and gave a short sad smile. One look into her eyes and I knew she had seen far too much lifetime in her short 14 years. Following our embrace her story was relayed to me. This was not her baby brother, this was her baby son.

Maria’s family had been targeted by human traffickers.  Two years prior, Maria’s parents believed they were sending their then 12-year-old to work at a business in the city. She would earn money for her family. She would have medical care, be fed and sheltered. Sadly, Maria never reached this “business” in the city. Instead she was kidnapped across the border and was prostituted in Guatemala. Maria eventually escaped and thanks to the help of her teacher she returned home with her parents.

She was and is just a baby herself. I just sat in shock holding her sweet baby, silently wondering how this could happen. Later I learned two more pieces of information; 1) The malnourished children brought to me the first day were Maria’s siblings 2) There were several other girls targeted by this same ring, some who have not yet returned.

The rest of the trip happened. It was good. Work was done. God showed up. Lives were touched. My body participated but my mind was still back in that little school room on the hill.

This one thought replayed over in my mind.

When I was a little girl I was abused by my father. If anyone knew. If any of my family or my friends knew, they would have stopped it. They would have protected me. If only they knew.

And now. I knew. I knew what was happening. I knew that parents were being faced with challenges beyond their control. I knew that evil people were taking advantage of that vulnerability. I knew that children were being forced to quit school to work to attempt to help put food on the table. And that vulnerability put these people at risk to be sold into things and places that I still can’t wrap my head around today. I physically witnessed all of these things and then I flew back to my safe and comfortable home.

I came home and I was different. In every. Single. Way. I was so conflicted by so many thoughts. I was heartbroken. I was confused, how could God allow such things? Where does such evil come from? How could I come home and just do life? How could I reconcile the things I had seen? I was angry. I was sad. I was overwhelmed. What could I do? Nothing.

A month of this. A month of asking, searching, trying to make sense of it all. I decided I was not sure what God was doing but I was sure I was going to trust Him. I decided He allowed me to be there for a reason. >>Side Note: People have asked me if God has called me to Honduras. Honestly? I do not know. I guess I just believe God calls you to be wherever you are. God calls you to the waiter at your favorite restaurant. God calls you to the neighbor next door. God calls you to your grieving co-worker. He calls you to the place you are in. And my only desire is to be where God has me today. And God allowed me to be in Yoro in June to see what I saw. That is something I am sure of.

One evening, a month after returning home I was driving home and I was telling God just this. I told Him I did not understand but I would trust Him. I did not know what to do but I wanted Him to do something and I prayed God would let me be part of it. That night as I sat in my dark car alone God whispered to my heart and said “You have allowed me to use your story to bring comfort and healing to others who have experience similar things. Will you allow me to use your story to keep this abuse from happening in the first place?” What an easy question to answer. ABSOLUTELY, YES!

In my studying I came across a group of verses in Romans. I was reminded that it was through the redemption of Christ that we are justified and given grace. Then I read that the word redemption/redeemed was commonly used in biblical times in the slave trade. A person was redeemed from slavery when another person could pay their ransom/debt. I realized that no-one; no child, no boy, no girl, no man, no woman could be for sale because Jesus already paid the price. And thus, NOT FOR SALE was born.

One Thursday night at a church softball game, after returning home from Honduras, a sweet friend asked me how the trip was. I didn’t watch another play of the game. I told her every detail I could remember. Then I told her that I was thinking about selling T-shirts to fund education in Yoro because (in my mind anyway) education seems like a great way to escape poverty. I thought the T-shirt should say “Not for Sale”. She took a long pause and then told me “Well I have a T-shirt press in my basement” and by the time I pulled in my driveway that night she had created and texted me the T-shirt design.

One of the MOST important elements of Not for Sale is the three women in the Yoro community who are passionate about the children and families that reside there. They are passionate in their faith and seek to love God and love others. They are a constant encouragement to me and I pray I am able to bless them half as much as the bless me.

Thanks to the very generous support of too many people to count, the little school has electricity and a bathroom. A group of women have started an education program to learn a trade. They are learning to sew and commercially cook. We have dreams of adding on a classroom (ensuring an education beyond 6^th grade), we dream of financing micro-loans for women to start their own businesses, we have dreams of empowering families and personally I dream there will not be ONE MORE SINGLE CHILD sold or tricked into human trafficking.

Truth-I often feel overwhelmed, I feel intimidated, I second guess myself, I get embarrassed, I think about what others think, I question if God can use me despite my brokenness.

This is what I have learned: God is actually using my BROKENESS. In fact, it is where He does His best work. When He asked if He could use my story I didn’t really understand what He meant but I see now that the journey He has walked beside me on has produced dependence on Him, empathy for others, deep love for children (especially the most vulnerable ones) and a lot of brokenness. And God is using that very same brokenness (He uses our weakness to show His strength) which has produced the person I am (the good, bad and ugly) and THAT is the person He wants to use. I still don’t completely understand but I am trusting Him. Funny that the things I have hated most about myself (both portions of my journey and characteristics of myself) seem to be the things He consistently wants to use. It is a continual reminder this journey is not about me. It is not about my short-comings. It is about Him and His great, unconditional love. Yes it is.

As for me…..

I am just a nurse who literally has THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE and I sell T-shirts to whoever will let me with the hope I might be just one small sliver to ending human trafficking once and for all.

BECAUSE People are NOT FOR SALE.