The God I Almost Never Knew

Thanks to George Burns, for many years I pictured God as an old wrinkled up man with a cigar hanging from his lip and a glass of scotch in his hand. I suppose that dates me a bit. This was my earliest view but certainly not my only memory.

In my early years I envisioned God as the man upstairs, grandpa on the rocking chair, the booming voice from above and this was only the beginning. I was creative imaginative girl so I was always picturing Him in some new light.


My childhood though consisted of many happy memories, was tarnished by a selfish, abusive father, who in my adolescence abandoned me. As I grew older, my image of God was greatly influenced by the image of my father.


As an angry young teen, I envisioned God to be disinterested. I assumed He had a plan for this big world and if a couple of people were hurt or thrown to the side to accomplish this plan, oh well. Details of life and certainly little girls were of no interest to Him. None of it really mattered though because I was certain as soon as God discovered the real me (as if He didn’t know) He would likely abandon me anyway.


Gradually I would hear others talk about God. How wonderful and loving He was. I heard children sing “Jesus loves me this I know” and I would grimace. Soon it occurred to me that these two views of God could not exist at the same time. People were telling me God was loving,  but experience was telling me something entirely different. The only conclusion I could make was that God didn’t exist at all. It was the only thing that made any sense to me.


Living this way was lonely and emotionally draining. I felt so ugly and broken. I would look in the mirror and wonder “who would ever want this?” I was insecure and fragile when I met Terri. She was everything I wasn’t confident, smart, pretty and a Christian. Slowly she broke through my shell and showed me how to be loved unconditionally. You wouldn’t think a person would need to be shown this, I can’t really explain why, but I did. After months of asking and months of refusing I finally gave in to Terri’s invitation to go to church.


I went somewhat begrudgingly really only to get her off my back. I knew what to expect at church. Judgment, shame, guilt and lies were come to equate church to me. Instead I was greeted with grace, mercy and love. I am not exactly sure who I met that day, what the preacher spoke about or what songs were sung. I only know that it was the first time in a long time that I hadn’t felt alone. If only for a few minutes I felt a like a small blanket of peace had been draped over my shoulders. I wasn’t sure what it was but I knew I wanted to feel it again.


Eventually Terri won out and I went back to her church. I started to learn more and more about God. It began to occur to me, maybe this God exists after all. Here was the trouble, the more I learned the more conflicted I began to feel. The peace that I had experienced at first was slowly trickling away. One morning, our Sunday School teacher quoted Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I was so angry, “really God? What is my plan, Where is my hope? How could you let this happen to me? Where were you? Where are you?” I assumed I wasn’t who He was talking about in that Jeremiah verse. It seemed that once again I had been abandoned.


I was angry and I grew disinterested in church. It wasn’t long before one of these new friends checked in on me “Where had I been? What was going on?” I remember feeling like I might explode. I started pouring out everything, my broken dreams and my shattered heart. At the end I looked her in the face and said, “If this was God’s plan for me, I wish I had never been born at all.” I wept in her arms for what seemed like hours. Finally she turned to me and said “Lisa I would never be foolish enough to pretend to have all the answers, but I do know this one thing. God the Creator of the universe looked down and saw what was happening to His little child, you Lisa, and wept. Your dad made a terrible, terrible choice but God’s plan was STILL to give you a hope and a future.”

God wept? God wept over me? Are you kidding me? I had assumed so many things about God and none of them had been true. Not one. God is a loving God. He has a plan for me, a hope and a future. I had questioned “Where was God?” I know as sure as I know the sun will rise tomorrow that God was right there next to me, holding my hand. He was holding me, loving me and weeping.

This was the God I almost never knew. Thankfully God had other plans.

Who is God to you? Do you believe He has a plan for your life? You have a hope and a future? You do, trust me you do.

Special thanks to all those from Andover Christian Church for this amazing story, each one of you played an integral part and I will never be able to thank you for the unconditional love you showed me. (and of course Terri, I love you.)

I am hoping to attend the "She Speaks" conference in July. The She Speaks conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of God. The very desire of my heart is to serve Him and His daughters, as He leads. As a way to pay for this conference I am entering a scholarship contest and for this contest I was asked to write about something that reflects my heart. I couldn't think of anything more dear to me then how I came to know the true God and His plan for me. If you would like to learn more about the conference (perhaps go with me?) or enter the contest yourself, please check out the link below!

She Speaks