I Trust You

The list continues to grow daily on all the things autism has taught me. I will not always like autism but I will definitely learn valuable life lessons from it. My son has autism however my son is not autism. He has autism just like he has a few little freckles and some adorable dimples, he has autism. He sees life through a slightly different set of lenses than the rest of the world. Many times I find this incredibly challenging and beg God for a special set of contacts that might give me a glimpse into Ben’s world. And every once in a while God gives me exactly what I ask for.

A few weeks ago Ben had to have a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy. It took a week of preparation, a new diet, some laxatives, fasting and we won’t even go into drinking the giant jug of “prep”. Ben did each step without a grumble or complaint. The time came for the procedure and I reminded Ben to cooperate and do as the doctors told him. When he groggily came out of “surgery” he began telling me that they had to poke him 8 times to get the IV in. Astonished I asked him if he said anything or told them to stop he said “Mom you told me to listen and do what they told me to so I did.” I almost didn’t believe him until the anesthesiologist stopped in to check on Ben and his “8 pokes.” He commented that he had never seen a kid just sit and be quiet through all that. I just stared at the floor “he was doing what I told him” I thought.

Ben recovered quite well and wasn’t fazed much by all the excitement. A few days later it occurred to me, “Ben has never asked about the test, not about results or how it went.” So I decided to ask him, “Ben you never asked about the test or what they found.” He turns to me and smiles with those adorable little dimples showing “Well mom, I trust you.” Drawing out the last part as if to say, “silly little you, don’t you know?”

My first thought was “Child, you trust me way too much.” After a few moments though God was able to break through and teach me yet another lesson. “Lisa do you trust me that much?” Ooohhh I didn't want to answer that question. When I undergo tests and trials I question God. “Why God, this doesn’t make sense. What purpose will this serve? Why now? Why him? Why me?” I grumble and complain and question God’s plan or purpose for me. I am quite sure that my plan is better or more efficient and I am quick to tell God how and when things should be done.

God and I have been talking a lot about autism. I hate that Ben has to struggle each day. I hate that I don’t always know what to do for him or how to help. I question that I am what he needs. Yet God continues to use all things for good if I trust Him. And today God used Ben to teach me that I don’t always have to understand EVERYTHING. Some days I can stop my grumbling and questioning and look up and say “I trust you God, yea it stinks, yea I am uncomfortable but I know you love me and I know you will do what is best for me.”