Pleasing People

“He is really such a people pleaser.” It was about the 12^th time my son’s teacher said this in the morning IEP meeting. The first 6 times she said it I was thinking it was a good thing, it was followed up with “He is so cooperative” and “Ben is so flexible” but the tone began to change and it appeared that the group didn’t think Ben’s people pleasing was such a gift after all. You know that moment in time when you suddenly see something in your child that you don’t like about yourself?

My name is Lisa and I am an admitted People Pleaser. I have read self-help books on the subject, I met with therapists regarding the issue, requested wise counsel on the matter but honestly 36 years later I haven’t changed much. I like people to be happy and I like it even more when they are happy with me.

All day long it bothered me. How did I unleash this terrible habit on my son? Will he ever learn to stand up for himself? Will he be beaten down and never find satisfaction? After all who can ever please everybody? I worried, I prayed that my deficient mother skills hadn’t brought too much harm to him or at the very least it might be reversible.

When Ben finally returned home I sat him down. I explained to him how important it was that he realized it wasn’t his job to make everyone happy not only that but his self-esteem shouldn’t depend on what others think of him, only what God thought of him. At that point I think he might have thought I lost my mind because he gave me an exasperated “MOM what in the world are you talking about?” I told him about the meeting and my fears for him. Then he said “Well mom, I don’t care. I truly don’t care. I mean I am just happy to be there. So I figure hey, if they care about something more than I do, why not let them have their way? (long pause/sigh) Mom is that wrong?” 

I had to think for a while, honestly too long because by the time I had an answer it was too late, he was gone. I am pretty sure he wasn’t really asking me a question. And that is how it is with Ben, more often than not he is the one teaching me the life lesson rather than the other way around.

People pleasing is not always bad.  In fact it can be quite good. If you care deeply for someone, you are sincerely grateful (as Ben is to be at a truly amazing school) or you believe in the golden rule, why not go out of your way to please someone else? Lesson learned. I probably should have consulted Ben before therapy, think of the money I could have saved!