Thanks Marge!

On a field trip to the Minneapolis Institute of Art Gracie’s teacher asked the kids what integrity was and they replied in unison “Integrity is what you do when no one is watching.” That got me thinking. Could love have that same definition? I mean it is great to give chocolate, jewelry on a special day (especially chocolate or coffee, coffee is good too) every year to show your love but is it not what you do every other day of the year even when no one is looking that matters? 

It is the people who love, give, do, (unconditionally) even when no one is looking that really inspire me. The people who day in and day out give sacrificially without glory or fanfare just because it is the fabric of who they are.  This in my opinion is the essence of  love. 

I was thinking this morning of the people I have met over the years. Random people who do not even know me but have gone the extra mile to show love and concern. Little angels God has placed when/where I needed them. One story came to mind.

I was working for a hospital and it was looking more and more every day like my position may be going on strike. I knew there was NO way I could ever afford a strike. I was a newly single mom of three kids and not that picketing for better wages/benefits wasn't for me, it was just that food and shelter took priority. As a result I found myself at the Anoka County Workforce Center. I was looking at my options as the pending strike loomed over me. I had no idea what I was doing so I approached the lady behind the counter. I don’t know her name so I am going to call her Marge. She looked like a Marge, a no-nonsense kind of gal. Marge asked me what I was looking for so she could help me get started. I told her about the strike and then I told her of the last few months which had not been pretty. She looked me square in the eye with deep compassion (and a little foolishness because she had no idea the can of worms she was about to open) and she asked “Oh my goodness that is a lot, are you okay?” I realized in that moment I was NOT okay. Not even close.  I opened my mouth but no words came out, my mouth betrayed me. Tears started to run down my cheeks. I tried to speak but all that came out were whimpers and groans. I was bawling. Seriously the ugly, messy, snot flowing kind of sobs. The kind you should only do in the privacy of your own locked bathroom, the kind do not want anyone to ever see. Marge quickly came around the counter she grabbed my arm and pulled me into a smaller room. Honestly she did not say much she just hugged me. (as I dripped drool and boogers all over her shoulder) She held me until I was done and then she showed me the computer and where to begin my search. 

I did not find a job that day nor thankfully did I need to. My job did reach an agreement just in the nick of time and I never saw Marge again. Yet I will never forget her. No one  knew what Marge did for me that day. She cared, she sat, she wiped tears, she hugged. She loved with integrity. She was not too busy to see the needs that stood before her. That my friends is love. True, sacrificial, unconditional love. I aspire to be like Marge. Often I am too busy, too stressed, too self-centered to see what has been placed in front of me. This is my Valentine prayer. Not just to love one day, not to love for the glory or the “credit” but instead to love in the way of action, the kind of love that does not look to be appear fancy and perfect but instead is messy,  full of tears, boogers and hard work, even when no one is looking.

Because that kind of love my friends is a beautiful thing.

My Emmanuel Moment

 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Emmanuel” 

(which means “God with us”). Matthew 1:23

It has always been my favorite part of the Christmas story; when the angel explains the new baby’s name. Emmanuel, God with us. The very name of Jesus literally means He is with us. I heard the verse many times but the meaning never meant much that is until my “Emmanuel Moment”. The story takes place in Thanksgiving Day 2001. Pretty much my whole life had fallen apart. My husband left, my son was diagnosed with autism, I was behind on every single bill, about to lose my house and here it is Thanksgiving and now all three of my kids have the stomach flu. It wasn’t pretty. Besides all the obvious conflicts I was also fighting a battle with God. I was trying to understand my faith and where He was in all this mess.

Before all this Thanksgiving chaos I had come to understand who God was and what He meant to me. I grew up being abused by my father and this created quite a conflict for me with God. Child abuse is something that can be very hard to understand in reference to God. I mean if He is God why doesn’t He just do something. This lead me to some complicated thinking of who God was and what He stood for. Walking this path I did uncover some truths when it came to God. 

1.) God hates abuse.

2.) God hates anything that messes with children.

3.) God gives us a freedom of choice, all of us, even those of us who do hurtful things with our choices.

4.) God can make good out of evil. In fact He is pretty good at it. 

Learning this changed my life forever. Yet still somehow I misconstrued the very character of God. I had determined that when I was young I didn’t really know God, I did not understand who He was therefore I experienced some difficult times. Now subsequently I know God and understand His ways and am choosing to live for Him things shall become easier. 

Do you see the conflict? If life was supposed to be less complicated and more comfortable God had truly let me down. In fact life only seemed more stressful and intensely painful. I didn’t understand. I felt betrayed and alone. 

I cannot begin to describe the aching of my heart that Thanksgiving Day.  The hurt became so strong I lay down on the ground with my face buried into the carpet and asked God to remove me from the pain. It even hurt to breathe. I was not sure how I would even regain the strength to physically stand again. Thankfully I would not have to. 

While on the floor I wept in pure anguish and God heard my cry. As I lay there on that floor I began to experience a warmth come over me, similar to a warm blanket being draped over me except there was no one else in the room. It is hard to explain but I knew I was NOT alone. My heart heard a soft whisper. “Lisa you are not alone. You cannot do this anymore. You can’t but I can. We will do this together.” I felt a body next to me with arms wrapped around my shoulders. I was not alone. Emmanuel, God was with me. 

A new perspective came over me. Life in this place, on this planet is tough and sometimes it downright sucks. Horrific, unspeakable things happen. Things I cannot begin to understand or explain. God never promised me comfort only that He would walk with me hand in hand. I believe he held me when I was a young girl and wept over the innocence that was stolen away just as much as I believe He was there with me in my living room that day.

You might not believe me. That is okay. Honestly it is okay. I know I sound a little crazy describing it.  Yet I know it is true and that is why I have to tell it.  As long as I live I will never forget it. I have never again experienced God like I did that day but each time I tell the story I am reminded of God’s incredible love for me. I am reminded that on a day when He could have been anywhere else. He was there. On my floor. Next to me. 

Emmanuel=God with us

Epilogue-Five minutes after my “Emmanuel Moment” a friend called and asked if she could stop by she had a card for me that she was going to give me later but believed God had placed it on her heart to come then. Inside was a check for more than $3000 that my friends had collected for me. Turns out God wanted me to know He was with me and that He had also surrounded me with a bunch of pretty awesome people! 

May your New Year be filled with peace and joy and many “Emmanuel Moments”.

Knight in Shining Armor?

Tomorrow I will have been married to the most amazing man for 10 years. Honestly 10 of the best  years I have been on this planet. Before Drew life was well…. hard. I was a divorced single mom of 3 kids (Mik and Ben were 4 and Faith was 2) and living in a house I couldn’t afford. (Yet somehow God always provided but that is for a different post) I had no intentions of dating so I was clear that when Drew asked me to a casual dinner we were just going as friends. I never admitted it to him I am pretty sure I was in love that night. Just a week later I received a Mother’s Day card from Drew because he wanted me to know what a great mother he thought I was. When I opened that envelope I was positive I loved this guy. A couple months later we had  a conversation where I questioned if he really knew what he was getting into. He told me...“Lisa, you wouldn’t be who you are, who I care about, if it weren’t for your three kids. They make you who you are. And I love that person.” That was the moment. The moment that I knew either I was going to marry this man or have my heart broken beyond repair. 

I was guarded and proud. After all it is really at the core of every chick flick right? Woman is down on her luck with children in tow. Enters man on white horse, conflict, man rescues woman and all lives happily ever after. I was proud and didn’t want to think I needed saving. The secret was I did. I needed rescuing. Thankfully God had planned a little rescue mission and blessed me with Drew.  

One thing I am sure of in the midst of shame and pain God brought me a precious gift; a man who loves me, my kids and is a good dad and husband. He is my best friend and a perfect balance for me and my somewhat eclectic personality. I know some of you are smiling right now because you know me and exactly what I am talking about.   

So…. He didn’t really come on a white horse instead in an awesome sporty black Acura but the rest of the story is completely true. 

Photo taken by Karen Feder Photography   http://www.karenfederphotography.com/

Nursing School Life: A year of reflection

Was it only a year ago I got accepted? Good thing I didn't know what was to come.....

Well I am officially 50% an RN. Okay so really just an SN (Student Nurse) I have officially finished my first year of nursing school and now have at least one second to reflect on the last year of my life.  It was the best of times and the worst of times. Here is just a short list of life long lessons…

My husband loves me. Okay so it didn’t really take nursing school to realize this but I mean he has had to give up many, many things including but not nearly limited to good smelling laundry and healthy hot dinners. He has also had to take over some of the more enjoyable parenting tasks such as fighting with Grace over her wardrobe choices (including flip flops when it is 13 degrees outside) and running in forgotten boots just in the nick of recess time. He has seen me at my worst when I am a mess and ready to quit and even when he would probably love nothing more he wraps his arms around me, looks me in my eye and tells me “You are going to be the best nurse and you are NOT going to quit.” You see my husband loves me. A lot. 

I have an awesome support system of beautiful friends. They continue to ask me to hang out when I have had to turn them down for the 50 millionth time. They send me precious texts and emails letting me know they are praying for me when they know I have a big test or week of clinicals. And this is after I have snubbed them for the last 9 months. I am surrounded by the most precious people. 

Nursing School=AMAZING FRIENDS! These girls, I can’t even put into words what they mean to me. I wait by my phone on test day to hear how they did so I can rejoice with and sometimes mourn with them. These girls are different than me, let’s face it younger, smarter and cute! But they love me and even invite me to their 21^st birthday parties. (And let me tell you is has been a long times since I have been invited to one of those!) :) They are beautiful people that are now forever friends, if I have any more children I am pretty sure they will be named after at least one of them. 

God is real. Okay so I always knew this too but I have learned it in a new and different way. I mean our bodies are beyond amazing. If I didn’t think I would bore you to death I would explain to you how your kidney operates and you would know what I mean. ONLY an amazing God could create such an intricate design such as our kidney. And don’t even get me started on the colon, seriously crazy cool stuff.

Life is short. I know people say that all the time right? It is so cliché but it is so true. I talked to a patient who was 96 years old and she reminded me how short life is. She told me she blinked and now here she is 96. Life is short. People matter, stuff doesn’t. Period that simple. 

Unless you are dead, it is never too late. 19 years ago God placed this little dream of being a nurse in my heart. But I doubted Him. I doubted myself but because God is the God of grace and mercy He has given me my 364^th chance. And here I am in nursing school. Doing what I only dreamed I might ever do. Because it is never too late to do what God has placed on your heart to do.

The year has been long. It has been the hardest, craziest, most rewarding year of my life. I can’t wait to be done. To be Lisa Fernelius RN. Truthfully most days I wish it were a year from right now. Yet when I am really honest with myself I know not to rush it for if I do I will miss all the beautiful little gifts in the process.

Here's to a GREAT summer! Cheers!

What Will Ben Need to Know?

Here we go again!

“What does Ben need to know to survive this world when he is 18 and what are we doing right now to get him there?” Not too long ago in Ben’s IEP meeting this question was posed to me.

It’s this type of question that causes me to stare at my ceiling at night. All. Night. Long.

When Ben was little and first diagnosed, I experienced grief, anxiety, loss, fear and shock. Shock is an appropriate word, it reminds me of a college day experience. My roommate played rugby and she needed more players for her team, knowing I played soccer she told me, “Lisa you will love rugby, it is just like soccer.” 2.5 seconds into the game as my head is buried 6 inches under the dirt I remember thinking “This is nothing like soccer. This is NOT what I signed up for.” Let’s be honest don’t most of parents have this thought at some time in the parent journey? Usually in the delivery room?

Being a parent of a special needs child adds yet another dimension to this thought. Don’t get me wrong I love Ben with all my heart and being his mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But there is a degree of surprise, of unexpected loss (AND gain) and fear that you might not be able to be all that your child needs you to be. Let me re-phrase that you WON’T be all that your child needs you to be. 

Yes parenting a special child brings the surprise, the shock and then you settle in. You find your new normal and begin to adjust, recognize the gifts around you especially the ones that those parents with “typical” (who’s typical?) children might not notice. This is the place I have lived in for several years now. I have gotten comfortable, not that life hasn’t come with its trials, but I have found peace and joy in the situation I am in. 

Now however I begin to embark on this new crazy adventure of anticipating adulthood. And those feelings of fear, surprise, anxiety fill my heart and my mind once again. What DOES Ben need to know when he is 18? The statistics say that 50% of those with autism graduating from high school are not able to find employment, what if Ben can’t find work? What if he can’t drive or navigate a bus? What if something happens to me? What if? What if? What if? 

Honestly I wish I had some great wisdom but maybe this post isn’t about wisdom, instead it is about honesty. I am scared. I love my son more than I could ever express in a silly little blog, I would easily give my life for him 100 times over. And I am scared. 

I am, but I will not allow fear to overtake me. I will not allow fear to paralyze me. I will not allow fear to steal the gifts that God has set out for me. I won’t because I have all of you. 

You support me. You encourage me. You love me. You have prayed for me. You have prayed for Ben. You love Ben. You support Ben. You encourage Ben. So I say thank you, I am deeply grateful.

It takes a village to raise a child, this is most certainly true.