My Most Powerful Parenting Lesson Yet May Have Just Come From "I Love Lucy"

I never know what to get my mom for Christmas or birthday or any gift giving holiday. She has everything she needs and when you ask her what she wants you never get a straight answer. The typical sappy "You are gift enough honey" is the usual reply. This last Christmas I became acutely aware that life in our house had been crazy chaos. Yes, even more crazy chaos than usual. As a result I had not been able to spend much quality time with my mom. Considering this I decided to give her play tickets to see "I Love Lucy" on stage. The benefit was two-fold. My mom has always loved "Lucy" and for me I would get some much needed time with mom.

Us making complete fools of ourselves

Our seats were not the best. Honestly we sat in the last possible row of seats but my mom reassured me that she had her contacts in so it was "all good." As we sat laughing and enjoying a great theater production this feeling started to well up inside of me. I was taken back to 35 years ago when my brothers would leave for school in the morning and mom and I would lay on the couch and laugh till our bellies hurt as Lucy would stomp grapes and stuff her face with chocolates. Ricky would yell "Lucy" and I would try to mimic his exotic accent. These are some of the best times of my entire life. We would snuggle and cuddle and in those moments I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was loved.

I started thinking about the fact that some of my most meaningful moments consisted of my mom and I laying on a couch watching a thirty minute sitcom. I consider all the things my mom did for me over the years. She volunteered at my school, she sat on the soccer board (which if you knew my mom you would know how hilarious that is), she brought me and my friends places, she took me swimming and shopping. We have many wonderful memories together but some of the best took place on the couch with Lucy.

As I stared out into the dark theater my eyes filled with tears. I constantly feel so much pressure to be the best mom. Not better than another, just the best mom for my kids. I volunteer but then feel guilt when another field trip arises and I am not able to attend. I plan parties and purchase tickets to the next best thing the trouble is there is always the next best thing. I often feel that I am letting them down when I am not able to live up to my own expectations. And then it occurs to me...

Could my most meaningful mom moments be snuggling with Grace watching Love It or List It? Could I be making a bigger impact when I stop with my over-committing and stop and watch The Bachelor with my 17 year old? (no judgement please) Or just maybe even sitting with Ben while he explains to me for zillionth time how Yu Gi Oh is played?

Could I have complicated this whole motherhood thing?

Please Lord in my busyness and attempts to be the "best mom" please don't let me miss it. Do not let me spend another moment comparing Pinterest parties or committing to things that will only result in more frazzled stress. Slow me down, remind me to rest and see what you have placed right smack dab in front of me. 

Thank you Lucy and thank you Mom. I love you.

7 Ways Youth Group Saved My Life

The church has been under quite a bit of fire lately. In a culture that has sadly come to pair church with judgment, hypocrisy, lies, greed and abuse I thought it would be especially timely to explain how it is that a youth group (well the whole church really) saved my life. I was an angry teen with the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. I was on the hunt for revenge against my father, against my teachers, against the whole world really. That is until a bunch of imperfect people crazy in love with Jesus stepped in and saved my life.
7 Ways Youth Group Saved My LIFE!

Just one of the many.....

7) These people were REAL! Teenagers can see right through phoniness. These people never tried to pretend to be something they were not. The never once acted like they had all the answers. They made mistakes and apologized, they got sad and happy, found joy and knew how to genuinely love one another. They never tried to be something they were not to gain my friendship instead they were real and honest. (mostly honest, see below for the one disclaimer)

6) They looked for the best in me. Encouraged me, built me up, supported me. I (as most teenagers) suffered from poor self esteem and wanted desperately to be liked/valued. I remember when I was first asked to help with VBS (Vacation Bible School) to help with the children. They trusted me, they saw something in me and built that up. They would point out my strengths and remind me of my talents. I was even asked to play my saxophone. People please listen I was TERRIBLE. I never made it out of last chair. Yet there they would have me in the front as "special music." It was special alright. And afterwords I promise every member of the church would come up and tell me how beautiful it was and how much they enjoyed it. Okay so maybe they were not always honest.

5) They paid for me. Yep they did. They paid for camp, retreats and even employed me to clean bathrooms to help me pay for mission trips. Many gave sacrificially even when I was too young and selfish to understand that kind of giving. They gave meaning to "Put your money where your mouth is." They did not just speak it but they did it.

4) They did life with me. One mom of young children would invite me over since I lived close. She would feed her kids, do laundry, watch Sesame Street and LISTEN. She would listen to my ideas, to my thoughts. She NEVER made me feel like I was a bother. She told me her door was always open and it WAS! Other families would invite me over for movie nights and pancake breakfast. No it was not flashy and hip (yes I know using the word hip is not hip anymore) it was however meaningful and made a difference it my life.

3) They did not judge me. (but did hold me accountable) Often I said words that were not appropriate church words. (I was a rebellious 14 year old give me a break) I lied. I broke things.I laughed hysterically in the middle of a prayer when my Clearly Canadian (remember those?) blew up all over me and my best friend.  I once painted my initials with those of a boy I liked on the side of the church building. Yes. I did. Are you understanding the saints these people were? I am positive I would not have liked me. I am positive it would have taken a miracle from God for me to have the kind of patience these amazing people had with me. But they did it. They found ways of letting me know that did not like my behavior but they loved me anyway. I did have to clean the side of the church but last time I was there if you squinted a little you could still make out the pale white letters. I eventually learned appropriate language. I also learned there was no need to lie when people loved you just as you were.
2) Did not let age stop them. The grandmas and grandpas were role models to me. The moms and dads supported me. The single, the married, the honeymooners they all spent time with me. One of the older ladies in the church (whom I love, love, love) did the special programs in church and she always included me and made sure I could participate. She would tell me after everything I did (sing, play the saxophone, read verses) "Lisa you were just lovely." I smile today as I hear her sweet words replaying in my head. A simple statement I was so desperate to hear. I was lovely.

1) They never ever gave up on me. If you were sitting next to me you as I type this you would see the tears rolling down my face. They never quit on me. I was sassy and bratty. They had every right in the world to say "I have had enough. She is not my problem." But they didn't. When I was most un-loveable they put their arm around my and pulled me closer. I guess if I imagine Jesus in a youth group it is exactly what I see him doing. Loving the un-loveable.

It was not flashy or attention getting. I do not think any of those people received an award or trophy for what they did. (though I am pretty sure when they get to Heaven they will have earned quite a few gems in their crowns) Most of the time I am guessing it was not pretty but instead incredibly messy and dirty. It is not quick or easy instead in was an investment. And now I have children of my own and often they are messy, sassy and oh boy have I earned a few gems of my own. Our kids have their own group of wonderfully imperfect people who love Jesus all the way to their toes. People who love them, forgive them, do life with them, support them. I am grateful and thankful for all who invest in the lives of teenagers. For those of you who do....
Thank you. Thank you with all my heart. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep it up even when you think all hope is lost. You are changing lives. And even more that that? You (with God's graciousness) are saving lives, people. You are saving LIVES!

Our kids cheerleaders!

Faith's "graduation"

Celebrating Ben's Birthday!

Just a label? Yea right....

"It is just a label, right?" her glistening eyes asked. I had asked myself the same question hundreds of times. This sweet mom was checking her beautiful daughter in for the first time to children's church. Her glance drifted cautiously between her daughter and my eyes as she explained her daughter's diagnoses.

When my son was in second grade I asked to put learning disability as his primary daignosis and autism as his secondary diagnosis on his education record. They were not supposed to do this but for me (not for Ben) they made an exception. I explained I did not want Ben to be labeled. I did not want people to make assumptions. I wanted Ben to get a fair shake. More than that I did not want Ben to be autistic.

Autism. It made my heart hurt. To this day it makes me a little weak in the knees. BUT I have changed a lot since then.  Autism seemed so big and so scary but living with it for a while I have learned to appreciate the gifts autism has brought me. I have the very best teacher in autism. Autism has helped me to become a more compassionate, more empathetic human being. When I consider the person I was before autism she was actually kind of ugly, not in the outside beauty kind of way but in the inside where beauty really counts kind of way.

More importantly though..... while I have come to understand more about autism one thing I know for sure is AUTISM does NOT equal Ben. No more than anxiety equals me or depression equals you.

Let me tell you about Ben. He is kind and thoughtful. One time in Target I was exhausted from working all day and walked past a worker who accidentally dumped a bunch of movies on the ground I honestly did not even see her. Ben did, he slammed the cart to a hault, reprimanded me for not stopping and smiled as he picked up every last movie for her. He sees things. Things I don't. He is loyal, he knows how hard it is to make a friend so when he has one he will go to the ends of the earth for them. I know very few people who are so loyal. He is funny, not just giggle, giggle funny but hilarious makes me want to wet my pants funny. He is a hard worker because in his life many of what might seem like simple tasks to you and me have required hard work. He knows nothing else. He is quirky and sometimes embarrassingly honest but he has taught me how to let go of the haters (Dear Mean Mom in Arby's, I hope your son, the one you just spanked when he "acted like that" does not grow up to be a harsh, judgmental, opinionated person like his mother. Love, me) and appreciate my blessings, for which I have many.

A label has a place. It may HELP to explain something or draw a hazy picture. It can teach and educate. It can provide services or raise money but it does not ever equate a person.

So sweet little momma I long to hug you and remind you, yes it is just a label, no it does not encompass your beautiful little girl. She is a daughter to the King. She was created in His image with a purpose and a plan. No mistakes and no accidents. She is wonderfully and fearfully made.

Dum-Dums and other tough stuff

A Dum Dum sucker.  Yes that is what my ten year old daughter wanted to be for Halloween.  Of all my kids she has the oddest costume requests. One year she was the mouse (from When You Give a Mouse a Cookie) and can’t forget the year of the guinea pig. (Especially thankful for my neighbor Staci that year!) I want to be clear here I am much more a “Pinterest Fail” mom than an actual “Pinterest” mom. I try. I sincerely do. They say 3 simple steps and make it look so easy, I do not know what my problem is but rarely ever does it even come close. I have to be honest though is has never really bothered me. It just is not me. I have accepted that and been fortunate to have some of the very best friend/Pinterest moms who fill in for me when needed.

Recently though I have begun to wonder about my mom skills. I am not sure if it is having a new job, increasing expectations (from both myself and others), added stress, aging kids (which of course = aging mom) whatever it is, it has gotten me down. So yesterday (Halloween) when Grace casually noticed “My costumes never look the way I picture them.” I was ready to break down in tears. Another let down. Another failure.  Another time I did not deliver. Yes I am probably being over-dramatic but please someone out there admit you have had the same thoughts at least once?

It is hard being a mom. I mean it is beautiful and lovely and wonderful and sometimes it is really, really hard. Why don’t mom books tell you that? Why don’t they start out with “You can read this book but there will come a time when there is nothing in this book or any book  that will give you the answer you are looking for.”  Because being a MOM is sometimes incredibly hard. When you can’t fix things or change the situation. When you can’t will your child into the spot on the team or get them a role in the play. Or more seriously you can’t take away an addiction or make them choose what is right. And yea, yea I know failure can be good. It builds character. They learn compassion, perseverance and hard work. Some rejection is  helpful, even necessary. In your mind you know it is good but they forget to tell you that it literally feels like someone is ripping your heart out. It is not that you want your child to have everything they ever desired or never have to work for something, it is just that you did not know that you were going to feel so much pain.

Wow I could seriously just end the post right here. Because it is how I feel. Being a mom is hard. And often I am not enough. No matter how hard I try. I can’t take away every tear or even design the perfect costume.

 

Last night as I was pitying myself and my terrible day when I heard a silent whisper. “My grace is enough.” What? “My grace is enough.” Honestly you know what I wanted to hear? “You are a great mom. Your kids are lucky to have you. You are the mom of the year.”  But seriously, it is true. We will never be enough. Never. We will never be every single thing our kids need us to be. Why? Because then they would have no need for God. I do my best. I try hard. And sometimes I still disappoint, I still fail. It is in the moment I am grateful “His grace is enough.”

My sweet little Dum-Dum :)

Prologue: Before bed Drew and I were laughing at how bad the Dum-Dum costume turned out. Seriously friends Gracie and I spent hours and hours writing out “Dum-Dums” and drawing really bad apples.  I spent way too much money  on fabric markers, cotton, fabric, etc… (with which I could have bought a pretty spectacular Elsa costume) and she looked like a very messed up little ghost. While I laid there contemplating my newest flop Drew says “You know what she told me while we were trick or treating? How she loves that you always make the best costumes. Lisa she went on and on about how much fun she had creating it with you and planning for next year.” Wait, what? She did? Grace said that? My heart swelled a little.  Maybe just maybe I am not a complete failure.

I am so flawed, so far from perfect. Good thing for me though, His grace is enough.

5 Things Moms/Dads (this mom anyway) of Special Kids Love to Hear

As promised with slight delay.....

5 things that are mostly* safe to say to parent of kids with special needs

 

1) "I can see you love your son/daughter very much."

I cannot begin to tell you many, many things I have done wrong as a parent of a special kid. (well all my kids honestly) In every case though even when it was clearly wrong I did it out of love for my son. You might not agree with decisions that another parent might make but it goes a long way to recognize the love they have for their child.

2) "Everything eventually will be okay."

In nursing school we learned this is false assurance and you should NEVER ever say this. In the special needs world however, it is justified. As a special mom often all I can see is the problem right in front of me I can become hyper-focused. It is good to be reminded that this (whatever this is) will likely pass. As a Christian mom I am reminded that God is in control, God loves my son and everything EVENTUALLY will be okay. Having patience is key.

3) Compliment their special kid. 

You need to understand as special parents we go to meetings (hours and hours of meetings) where we are told all the ways our kids are different, where they don't measure up, their weaknesses, their struggles and how much help they need. I cannot emphasize enough how powerful a compliment is. One time (in a particularly rough season) a friend came up to me and pointed out "Look how Ben is standing there. He is being so patient and waiting so calmly." I was over the moon, it made my whole week simply because someone pointed out how well Ben stood! A positive word travels a long way.

4) "How can I best support you?"

The power in these words. Those who have spoke these words to me were the ones I knew were in it for the long haul. These were not words of judgment and criticism. Instead these are words that communicate "I am with you. The good, the bad I am here." Friends who have asked me this question have become life long family to me. People whose presence is priceless to me.

5) Nothing. This is expressed in two ways

       A) The nothing where you are just present. You are a listening ear. You do not offer suggestions or advice simply a listening ear, a hug and maybe some tissues. Not everything has an answer.
       B) The nothing that completely ignores what just happened. The nothing that communicates "I did not just see that total meltdown" or "I did not hear a thing". There are times when we need to pretend (even for just a bit)  that whatever happened did not happen. This could be followed up with (what would be a perfect number 6) "Why don't we go have a glass of wine."

*Disclaimer- "mostly" if ever you are questioning what you should  say refer to number 5.