Today I attended church. Wow I know, right? Well due a long list of extenuating circumstances that I won’t bore you with I hadn’t actually been in the church sanctuary for a worship service for a long time. I can see how when you take a hiatus from church and go MIA for sometime you can begin to think, “I am pretty good, I worship God in my car, (where I don’t have to hurt anyone else’s ears) I have lots of supportive friends, I talk to God almost continuously (I am sure He might like a break) I read my Bible and serve others when I can. Oh yea and I don’t drink, swear, do drugs or dance.” Okay so the last part is simply because I can’t actually dance not because I have an issue with it.
I walked into church and I see the words “Let it go” and I think (sorry Pastor Scott) Let it Go? I have been a Christian for 21 years I have heard the sermon and given the sermon myself at least a few times. Let go and let God. I have to be honest, I decided 21 years ago that I wanted to live my life as Jesus did, I wanted to let Him have my life. I have never regretted that decision, the single most important decision I have ever made. However, that life can sometimes grow stale, (thanks to our own human nature) we hear the same messages, read the same verses and sing the same songs and we can begin to wonder, is this it God? Is this “The Life” you were meaning?
For me a large part of those 21 years have been operated on crisis mode, times when just standing seemed to take more effort than I could muster up. A time when “Let it go” wasn’t just a nice greeting card saying but a motto that I had to live my life by. The last few years although have come with the normal life challenges but no major catastrophes. “Let it go” has simply lost its meaning, let go of what? What to make for dinner? What sweater to wear tomorrow? Sure there are some tougher ones, How can I help Ben? What will make his life a little easier? But… “Let it go” simply isn’t the standard in my life that it once was.
So I finally get to go to church and what do I hear? Let it go. Really God? This is what you have for me? So I sat, I found gum in my purse and checked to see if anyone texted me. (I know I am really proving my shallowness, Drew has always said I am WAY to open of a book) As the sermon came to a close there was going to be some time for quiet prayer reflection. Why is it that 2 minutes of quiet time can feel like 2 hours? Especially when God has something to say and your not really willing to hear? At the end of the prayer time we were instructed to walk forward and place a rock in the bucket at the front of the stage. Symbolizing what we were choosing to let go of. I wondered what it the world I needed to let go of.
Then as I sat there, piles of worry began to come over me, in-escapable fears just couldn’t be tucked away. Thoughts that had been stalking me over the past several weeks. I have been recently questioning my decision to go back to school, wondering if this was the right time, right choice? I have been fretting over my plate being too full, wanting to speak more and work less. I have been worried over Ben, his future, his disability, his schooling, his health. I have been fearful lately that my children might feel abandoned by me, that I haven’t fulfilled what they need in a mother. I have felt guilty that the house has been messy and the carpets need cleaning, I feel terrible when the best meal I can muster is micro-waved French toast sticks and a gallon of syrup. I should go all organic and throw out sugar and preservatives I know. I want my husband to know he is my priority but I silently come to terms with the fact that actions speak louder then words. I glance around the church and see the faces of at least 3 people that I didn’t email or call back, what will think about me now? I should be a better friend, daughter, sister, wife, mother….. I am afraid, afraid I will fail.
It was in this very moment I heard the words “Let it go”. But God, this is so minor, nothing has happened to me, no major setbacks or crisis. “Let it go.” But God I am afraid… “Let it go.” But God….. what if I fail? “Let it go.”
I stood and carried my rock to the front and let it go. As I returned to my seat I was flooded with the reminders that God is bigger than my worries, bigger than my regrets, bigger than my weaknesses, bigger than my failures.
Reminded that….
His grace is sufficient.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
