This is not going to be the typical People Pleaser shaming
post.
I was 40 years old before I realized.
It started when I was barely 10 years old. We were at family
counseling when the well-intentioned therapist told me “You are the peacemaker”
I did not know what it meant but the way she made it sound it was not a
good thing. It was my destiny to bring peace to my family and I was not doing a
very good job.
As years passed, I began to understand that peacemaker also
equated people-pleaser, of which I was the very best. I have confessed many
times to my people pleasing ways, vowing never to return only to find myself
under the guilt of pleasing people once again. Oh, but did it feel good.
The internet is inundated with negative people pleasing
posts, just some of my favorite;
“Why Being a People-Pleaser is Selfish”
“Psychology of a People-Pleaser: Why they Need to Please
Everyone”
“Do you Have People-Pleaser Syndrome?”
It is a syndrome? EVERY. SINGLE. ARTICLE. Full of shame and guilt. Can we acknowledge sometimes the internet is depressing?
The wound deepened when I was taking a Nurse Leadership
class and we were required to take a Strength Finder’s Quiz. The basic version
of the test (which I recommend everyone invest the $19.99 to take or just buy the book) gives you
your top 5 strengths. The word Woo was one of the first words I saw when my
results popped up on the screen. Woo? What is that? As I read the quick definition,
I was disheartened. One of my biggest strengths is people pleasing. Wow, thanks
Strength Finder.
Then I read more.
“The genius of your WOO talent involves the impact you can
have on other people and the ease with which you can win them over. You have an
incredible ability to meet new people and almost magically know what to say in
order to draw others out. Other people love the attention you give them and the
way that you can affirm a person so quickly. Of course you love the process and
the challenge of meeting new people. And people love it when you connect with
them. The genius of this talent is that you can not only quickly connect with
people but you can be a catalyst in helping people connect with one another.
Make no mistake about it, when you enter a crowd the crowd it will be different
because you were there. In fact, you have the capacity to transform a crowd of
disconnected people into a group and this is no small accomplishment.” @strengthstransform
For the first time in my entire life, I realized people
pleasing maybe wasn’t the sin I made it into. For the first time, I realized
wanting to make people happy was not the worst trait about me. For the first
time, I realized what I thought was my greatest weakness could also be my
greatest strength.
I have never really had an “Eat, Pray, Love” aha moment but
I guess if I had to pick one, this was it. My quest for self-discovery was
revealed in this peculiar little word, Woo.
Like every great strength it can also become a great
weakness. Quite frequently I have to ask myself, “Why am I doing this?? And at “What
expense?” Am I committing myself to this task because it fulfills my passion and
puts wind in my sail? or am I trying to look important or get
___________(insert name) to like me? AND it might put wind in my sail (making
others happy, genuinely makes me happy) but at what expense? It might make me
happy to say yes to that commitment but will it be at the expense of the people
I love most? Will my family and best friends suffer as a result? Because that
DEFINITELY will not make me happy in the end (I just can forget in the moment). I can often over commit myself simply because
they are all things I LOVE TO DO and generally they are things that make others
happy (aka pleased).
Ready for this? Wanting people to be happy is not a bad
thing. Actually though. Here is a confession. I have candy on my desk at work because
chocolate makes people happy. (well most people, my people) I like when people
are happy. I like when someone is having a stressful day, they stop over and
get some chocolate and feel better. I (gasp) like that feeling.
I spent my first 40 years fighting against the way God made
me, the gifts He has given me. I will spend my next 40 (or however many the
good Lord provides) embracing and finding balance in my woo. If you are like
me, I hope you can too.
