Nursing School Life: A year of reflection

Was it only a year ago I got accepted? Good thing I didn't know what was to come.....

Well I am officially 50% an RN. Okay so really just an SN (Student Nurse) I have officially finished my first year of nursing school and now have at least one second to reflect on the last year of my life.  It was the best of times and the worst of times. Here is just a short list of life long lessons…

My husband loves me. Okay so it didn’t really take nursing school to realize this but I mean he has had to give up many, many things including but not nearly limited to good smelling laundry and healthy hot dinners. He has also had to take over some of the more enjoyable parenting tasks such as fighting with Grace over her wardrobe choices (including flip flops when it is 13 degrees outside) and running in forgotten boots just in the nick of recess time. He has seen me at my worst when I am a mess and ready to quit and even when he would probably love nothing more he wraps his arms around me, looks me in my eye and tells me “You are going to be the best nurse and you are NOT going to quit.” You see my husband loves me. A lot. 

I have an awesome support system of beautiful friends. They continue to ask me to hang out when I have had to turn them down for the 50 millionth time. They send me precious texts and emails letting me know they are praying for me when they know I have a big test or week of clinicals. And this is after I have snubbed them for the last 9 months. I am surrounded by the most precious people. 

Nursing School=AMAZING FRIENDS! These girls, I can’t even put into words what they mean to me. I wait by my phone on test day to hear how they did so I can rejoice with and sometimes mourn with them. These girls are different than me, let’s face it younger, smarter and cute! But they love me and even invite me to their 21^st birthday parties. (And let me tell you is has been a long times since I have been invited to one of those!) :) They are beautiful people that are now forever friends, if I have any more children I am pretty sure they will be named after at least one of them. 

God is real. Okay so I always knew this too but I have learned it in a new and different way. I mean our bodies are beyond amazing. If I didn’t think I would bore you to death I would explain to you how your kidney operates and you would know what I mean. ONLY an amazing God could create such an intricate design such as our kidney. And don’t even get me started on the colon, seriously crazy cool stuff.

Life is short. I know people say that all the time right? It is so cliché but it is so true. I talked to a patient who was 96 years old and she reminded me how short life is. She told me she blinked and now here she is 96. Life is short. People matter, stuff doesn’t. Period that simple. 

Unless you are dead, it is never too late. 19 years ago God placed this little dream of being a nurse in my heart. But I doubted Him. I doubted myself but because God is the God of grace and mercy He has given me my 364^th chance. And here I am in nursing school. Doing what I only dreamed I might ever do. Because it is never too late to do what God has placed on your heart to do.

The year has been long. It has been the hardest, craziest, most rewarding year of my life. I can’t wait to be done. To be Lisa Fernelius RN. Truthfully most days I wish it were a year from right now. Yet when I am really honest with myself I know not to rush it for if I do I will miss all the beautiful little gifts in the process.

Here's to a GREAT summer! Cheers!

What Will Ben Need to Know?

Here we go again!

“What does Ben need to know to survive this world when he is 18 and what are we doing right now to get him there?” Not too long ago in Ben’s IEP meeting this question was posed to me.

It’s this type of question that causes me to stare at my ceiling at night. All. Night. Long.

When Ben was little and first diagnosed, I experienced grief, anxiety, loss, fear and shock. Shock is an appropriate word, it reminds me of a college day experience. My roommate played rugby and she needed more players for her team, knowing I played soccer she told me, “Lisa you will love rugby, it is just like soccer.” 2.5 seconds into the game as my head is buried 6 inches under the dirt I remember thinking “This is nothing like soccer. This is NOT what I signed up for.” Let’s be honest don’t most of parents have this thought at some time in the parent journey? Usually in the delivery room?

Being a parent of a special needs child adds yet another dimension to this thought. Don’t get me wrong I love Ben with all my heart and being his mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But there is a degree of surprise, of unexpected loss (AND gain) and fear that you might not be able to be all that your child needs you to be. Let me re-phrase that you WON’T be all that your child needs you to be. 

Yes parenting a special child brings the surprise, the shock and then you settle in. You find your new normal and begin to adjust, recognize the gifts around you especially the ones that those parents with “typical” (who’s typical?) children might not notice. This is the place I have lived in for several years now. I have gotten comfortable, not that life hasn’t come with its trials, but I have found peace and joy in the situation I am in. 

Now however I begin to embark on this new crazy adventure of anticipating adulthood. And those feelings of fear, surprise, anxiety fill my heart and my mind once again. What DOES Ben need to know when he is 18? The statistics say that 50% of those with autism graduating from high school are not able to find employment, what if Ben can’t find work? What if he can’t drive or navigate a bus? What if something happens to me? What if? What if? What if? 

Honestly I wish I had some great wisdom but maybe this post isn’t about wisdom, instead it is about honesty. I am scared. I love my son more than I could ever express in a silly little blog, I would easily give my life for him 100 times over. And I am scared. 

I am, but I will not allow fear to overtake me. I will not allow fear to paralyze me. I will not allow fear to steal the gifts that God has set out for me. I won’t because I have all of you. 

You support me. You encourage me. You love me. You have prayed for me. You have prayed for Ben. You love Ben. You support Ben. You encourage Ben. So I say thank you, I am deeply grateful.

It takes a village to raise a child, this is most certainly true.