I am going to painfully honest. Mostly because it takes way
too much energy to fake anything else.
I used to think this thing of faith was something of beauty,
a destination you reach and a gorgeous place in which you live. If it were a
painting it would be this sort of masterpiece. One that rests on the wall, that
people buy tickets just to have a glimpse. The radiance so heavenly one would
stand in awe. This is what I used to think.
Instead I have to come to this place and faith is not a
place, not a destination, not a singular thing. Not static, not still, not
simple and most definitely not always beautiful. It could be just me. My faith seems
to be constantly evolving, messy, often glorious, and just as often
challenging, occasionally still, sometimes overwhelming, a deep and long
journey with a beginning and no real end.
I want to wrap faith up in a package of simply believing,
trusting and living. It is simpler that way. Each time I think I have things
figured out, I feel comfortable with my own explanation, life happens and I
learn that I still have so much I do not understand.
May 27th I received a phone call that one of my
daughters was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital and my other daughter
was on her way via helicopter. There had been an accident. The rest was a blur.
My husband drove. I begged God for His mercy. My daughter was in a helicopter I
knew what this meant, I could lose her. In my lifetime of memories I cannot
recall ever being so scared. I sat in my seat inconsolable. My husband (an
amazing man of great faith) told me to trust God, that He was with them. This is
one of the only things I remember distinctly saying “God is with all kinds of
people during really bad things.”
Fortunately, my girls were okay. They had injuries that
could be fixed and the important stuff was intact.
I know how lucky we were. I recognize how many other parents
do not get the same outcome. Everyone kept telling me how God was watching them
and how He spared them. I was and am so grateful. But I am also confused. If
God was with them and saved them, why? And why doesn’t He do that for everyone?
And why, in that moment couldn’t I believe that? Was this a test of faith and
if so, had I failed?
Honestly, I still do not have the answers to all of my
questions. I do not know why some parents cry with relief and others cry with
grief. I just don’t.
I sent my friend a text that night. I was disappointed with myself.
She reminded me I was human and tragedy happens. I hadn’t failed. I had persevered.
It was not pass/fail and I was not being graded.
Life has gotten more serious since May 27th. Time
is more valuable. People are indispensable. Stuff is… well stuff. Life is a
moment in time and eternity is forever.
Faith is easy when I am happy.
Faith is precious when it finds balance with both joy and
sorrow. For me, I will pick precious over easy Every. Single. Time.
“Many things about
tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand” -Ara Stanphil
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand” -Ara Stanphil