My Emmanuel Moment

 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Emmanuel” 

(which means “God with us”). Matthew 1:23

It has always been my favorite part of the Christmas story; when the angel explains the new baby’s name. Emmanuel, God with us. The very name of Jesus literally means He is with us. I heard the verse many times but the meaning never meant much that is until my “Emmanuel Moment”. The story takes place in Thanksgiving Day 2001. Pretty much my whole life had fallen apart. My husband left, my son was diagnosed with autism, I was behind on every single bill, about to lose my house and here it is Thanksgiving and now all three of my kids have the stomach flu. It wasn’t pretty. Besides all the obvious conflicts I was also fighting a battle with God. I was trying to understand my faith and where He was in all this mess.

Before all this Thanksgiving chaos I had come to understand who God was and what He meant to me. I grew up being abused by my father and this created quite a conflict for me with God. Child abuse is something that can be very hard to understand in reference to God. I mean if He is God why doesn’t He just do something. This lead me to some complicated thinking of who God was and what He stood for. Walking this path I did uncover some truths when it came to God. 

1.) God hates abuse.

2.) God hates anything that messes with children.

3.) God gives us a freedom of choice, all of us, even those of us who do hurtful things with our choices.

4.) God can make good out of evil. In fact He is pretty good at it. 

Learning this changed my life forever. Yet still somehow I misconstrued the very character of God. I had determined that when I was young I didn’t really know God, I did not understand who He was therefore I experienced some difficult times. Now subsequently I know God and understand His ways and am choosing to live for Him things shall become easier. 

Do you see the conflict? If life was supposed to be less complicated and more comfortable God had truly let me down. In fact life only seemed more stressful and intensely painful. I didn’t understand. I felt betrayed and alone. 

I cannot begin to describe the aching of my heart that Thanksgiving Day.  The hurt became so strong I lay down on the ground with my face buried into the carpet and asked God to remove me from the pain. It even hurt to breathe. I was not sure how I would even regain the strength to physically stand again. Thankfully I would not have to. 

While on the floor I wept in pure anguish and God heard my cry. As I lay there on that floor I began to experience a warmth come over me, similar to a warm blanket being draped over me except there was no one else in the room. It is hard to explain but I knew I was NOT alone. My heart heard a soft whisper. “Lisa you are not alone. You cannot do this anymore. You can’t but I can. We will do this together.” I felt a body next to me with arms wrapped around my shoulders. I was not alone. Emmanuel, God was with me. 

A new perspective came over me. Life in this place, on this planet is tough and sometimes it downright sucks. Horrific, unspeakable things happen. Things I cannot begin to understand or explain. God never promised me comfort only that He would walk with me hand in hand. I believe he held me when I was a young girl and wept over the innocence that was stolen away just as much as I believe He was there with me in my living room that day.

You might not believe me. That is okay. Honestly it is okay. I know I sound a little crazy describing it.  Yet I know it is true and that is why I have to tell it.  As long as I live I will never forget it. I have never again experienced God like I did that day but each time I tell the story I am reminded of God’s incredible love for me. I am reminded that on a day when He could have been anywhere else. He was there. On my floor. Next to me. 

Emmanuel=God with us

Epilogue-Five minutes after my “Emmanuel Moment” a friend called and asked if she could stop by she had a card for me that she was going to give me later but believed God had placed it on her heart to come then. Inside was a check for more than $3000 that my friends had collected for me. Turns out God wanted me to know He was with me and that He had also surrounded me with a bunch of pretty awesome people! 

May your New Year be filled with peace and joy and many “Emmanuel Moments”.

Knight in Shining Armor?

Tomorrow I will have been married to the most amazing man for 10 years. Honestly 10 of the best  years I have been on this planet. Before Drew life was well…. hard. I was a divorced single mom of 3 kids (Mik and Ben were 4 and Faith was 2) and living in a house I couldn’t afford. (Yet somehow God always provided but that is for a different post) I had no intentions of dating so I was clear that when Drew asked me to a casual dinner we were just going as friends. I never admitted it to him I am pretty sure I was in love that night. Just a week later I received a Mother’s Day card from Drew because he wanted me to know what a great mother he thought I was. When I opened that envelope I was positive I loved this guy. A couple months later we had  a conversation where I questioned if he really knew what he was getting into. He told me...“Lisa, you wouldn’t be who you are, who I care about, if it weren’t for your three kids. They make you who you are. And I love that person.” That was the moment. The moment that I knew either I was going to marry this man or have my heart broken beyond repair. 

I was guarded and proud. After all it is really at the core of every chick flick right? Woman is down on her luck with children in tow. Enters man on white horse, conflict, man rescues woman and all lives happily ever after. I was proud and didn’t want to think I needed saving. The secret was I did. I needed rescuing. Thankfully God had planned a little rescue mission and blessed me with Drew.  

One thing I am sure of in the midst of shame and pain God brought me a precious gift; a man who loves me, my kids and is a good dad and husband. He is my best friend and a perfect balance for me and my somewhat eclectic personality. I know some of you are smiling right now because you know me and exactly what I am talking about.   

So…. He didn’t really come on a white horse instead in an awesome sporty black Acura but the rest of the story is completely true. 

Photo taken by Karen Feder Photography   http://www.karenfederphotography.com/

Nursing School Life: A year of reflection

Was it only a year ago I got accepted? Good thing I didn't know what was to come.....

Well I am officially 50% an RN. Okay so really just an SN (Student Nurse) I have officially finished my first year of nursing school and now have at least one second to reflect on the last year of my life.  It was the best of times and the worst of times. Here is just a short list of life long lessons…

My husband loves me. Okay so it didn’t really take nursing school to realize this but I mean he has had to give up many, many things including but not nearly limited to good smelling laundry and healthy hot dinners. He has also had to take over some of the more enjoyable parenting tasks such as fighting with Grace over her wardrobe choices (including flip flops when it is 13 degrees outside) and running in forgotten boots just in the nick of recess time. He has seen me at my worst when I am a mess and ready to quit and even when he would probably love nothing more he wraps his arms around me, looks me in my eye and tells me “You are going to be the best nurse and you are NOT going to quit.” You see my husband loves me. A lot. 

I have an awesome support system of beautiful friends. They continue to ask me to hang out when I have had to turn them down for the 50 millionth time. They send me precious texts and emails letting me know they are praying for me when they know I have a big test or week of clinicals. And this is after I have snubbed them for the last 9 months. I am surrounded by the most precious people. 

Nursing School=AMAZING FRIENDS! These girls, I can’t even put into words what they mean to me. I wait by my phone on test day to hear how they did so I can rejoice with and sometimes mourn with them. These girls are different than me, let’s face it younger, smarter and cute! But they love me and even invite me to their 21^st birthday parties. (And let me tell you is has been a long times since I have been invited to one of those!) :) They are beautiful people that are now forever friends, if I have any more children I am pretty sure they will be named after at least one of them. 

God is real. Okay so I always knew this too but I have learned it in a new and different way. I mean our bodies are beyond amazing. If I didn’t think I would bore you to death I would explain to you how your kidney operates and you would know what I mean. ONLY an amazing God could create such an intricate design such as our kidney. And don’t even get me started on the colon, seriously crazy cool stuff.

Life is short. I know people say that all the time right? It is so cliché but it is so true. I talked to a patient who was 96 years old and she reminded me how short life is. She told me she blinked and now here she is 96. Life is short. People matter, stuff doesn’t. Period that simple. 

Unless you are dead, it is never too late. 19 years ago God placed this little dream of being a nurse in my heart. But I doubted Him. I doubted myself but because God is the God of grace and mercy He has given me my 364^th chance. And here I am in nursing school. Doing what I only dreamed I might ever do. Because it is never too late to do what God has placed on your heart to do.

The year has been long. It has been the hardest, craziest, most rewarding year of my life. I can’t wait to be done. To be Lisa Fernelius RN. Truthfully most days I wish it were a year from right now. Yet when I am really honest with myself I know not to rush it for if I do I will miss all the beautiful little gifts in the process.

Here's to a GREAT summer! Cheers!

What Will Ben Need to Know?

Here we go again!

“What does Ben need to know to survive this world when he is 18 and what are we doing right now to get him there?” Not too long ago in Ben’s IEP meeting this question was posed to me.

It’s this type of question that causes me to stare at my ceiling at night. All. Night. Long.

When Ben was little and first diagnosed, I experienced grief, anxiety, loss, fear and shock. Shock is an appropriate word, it reminds me of a college day experience. My roommate played rugby and she needed more players for her team, knowing I played soccer she told me, “Lisa you will love rugby, it is just like soccer.” 2.5 seconds into the game as my head is buried 6 inches under the dirt I remember thinking “This is nothing like soccer. This is NOT what I signed up for.” Let’s be honest don’t most of parents have this thought at some time in the parent journey? Usually in the delivery room?

Being a parent of a special needs child adds yet another dimension to this thought. Don’t get me wrong I love Ben with all my heart and being his mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But there is a degree of surprise, of unexpected loss (AND gain) and fear that you might not be able to be all that your child needs you to be. Let me re-phrase that you WON’T be all that your child needs you to be. 

Yes parenting a special child brings the surprise, the shock and then you settle in. You find your new normal and begin to adjust, recognize the gifts around you especially the ones that those parents with “typical” (who’s typical?) children might not notice. This is the place I have lived in for several years now. I have gotten comfortable, not that life hasn’t come with its trials, but I have found peace and joy in the situation I am in. 

Now however I begin to embark on this new crazy adventure of anticipating adulthood. And those feelings of fear, surprise, anxiety fill my heart and my mind once again. What DOES Ben need to know when he is 18? The statistics say that 50% of those with autism graduating from high school are not able to find employment, what if Ben can’t find work? What if he can’t drive or navigate a bus? What if something happens to me? What if? What if? What if? 

Honestly I wish I had some great wisdom but maybe this post isn’t about wisdom, instead it is about honesty. I am scared. I love my son more than I could ever express in a silly little blog, I would easily give my life for him 100 times over. And I am scared. 

I am, but I will not allow fear to overtake me. I will not allow fear to paralyze me. I will not allow fear to steal the gifts that God has set out for me. I won’t because I have all of you. 

You support me. You encourage me. You love me. You have prayed for me. You have prayed for Ben. You love Ben. You support Ben. You encourage Ben. So I say thank you, I am deeply grateful.

It takes a village to raise a child, this is most certainly true.

My Big Brother

It seems appropriate to tell one of my favorite stories (and trust me there are many, many to tell) about my brother today on his birthday. To understand the depth of what happened you need to know a bit about my brother’s past. My brother was always has always marched to the tune of his own drum. It makes him unique , beautiful and honestly a little frustrating. This different spin on life made him a target for bullying when he was younger. It was a time when there wasn’t diversity training or bullying prevention. This made school a very difficult place despite the amount of energy and time my mom put in to advocate for him.  My brother had a hard time learning which negatively impacted his self-esteem. As a result of this intense bullying and struggles of life my brother desperately searched for a place he fit. He thought he found that place with some kids who were drug users. He was welcomed into the drug world at a young age and unfortunately this decision would bring heartache for him and for those around him who loved him deeply. My brother dropped out of school and journeyed down an incredibly long and difficult road. It was agonizing for all of our family to watch.

I knew my brother’s past and all that was stacked against him but still I was angry. I was angry that he didn’t say no. He didn’t choose a better life for himself. You see I am a rule follower. I like rules (well my rules anyway). I simplify things by making two classes of people, rule followers (good) and rule breakers (bad). My brother was a rule breaker. He didn’t conform to my standard of living and it annoyed me. I have this religion that is all about grace and love yet I was extending on him judgment and shame. 

Fast forward just a bit. My brother was in a severe ATV accident where his leg was pretty much severed off my a telephone cable. He would have bled to death except that there happened to be a person driving by on this old abandoned road that rarely saw one vehicle a day. This accident  was followed by incredible long, painful recovery. My brother had several surgeries, skin graphing, was placed on a ventilator for several days and many times he was near death.

During his recovery he was staying in an old nursing home at least 9 hours away from us. He had an external fixator on his leg which is what I am told one of the most painful things you can ever experience. (It is a device that stretches out the bone) He would call me and tell me stories about the nursing home and since life was kind of boring for him he liked to talk. A LOT. However my life was not boring in fact my life was over the top busy and I didn’t have time to talk with him to hear about life in his nursing home. I know how selfish that sounds but I do try to be honest in these posts and honestly I was selfish. 

One day he called me really excited to tell me his newest story. The conversation went a little like this…..

Ron-“Remember the old lady who yells out for blankets that I told you about?”

Lisa- “Uh huh.” (Did I? maybe…not really…)

Ron-“Well last night she yelled out again so I went in. The nurses were busy…”

Lisa-(I hope he doesn’t talk too long, I have so many things to do. I have no groceries, what was that Mikaela told me she needed for school, marshmallows? Why does she need marshmallows at school anyway?)

Ron-“Lisa? Are you there?

Lisa- “Yea, I am here, you went in to see the old lady.”

Ron- “Yea and you are never going to guess what happened?”

Lisa- “Okay…” (I hope he makes this short)

And then he told me the following story.

“Lisa the lady told me she tired and sick and tonight she was going to see her husband and have that dance he promised her. I quickly figured out that she was hallucinating since her husband was dead. But I humored her and sat with her and held her hand. We recited the Lord’s prayer together. (thankfully I resisted the urge to express my surprise that he still remembered the prayer) I held her hand and read to her and finally she told me she was tired and ready to go to sleep now. I left her room and in the morning when I woke up her door was closed. The nurse told me she has passed away in her sleep.”

(Huh cool story I thought. But I wasn’t nearly prepared for what he said next)

“You know Lisa if my whole life, my mistakes, my failures, my accidents, the pain, the surgeries, everything, everything I have experience lead me to be in that room with that woman to hold her hand so she wouldn’t be alone on her last night. It was worth it. I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Wow Ron, that is a cool story. (I probably mumbled something about needing to tend to the kids and hung up the phone)

I just sat there. Taking in what he just said to me. I started to weep over my own selfishness, over what I had been missing in my brother. I guess if I am honest with myself I want to believe sometimes that I was made for some kind of noble purpose, noble by the world’s perspective anyway. In my private moments where I don’t want people to see or know about, I know that I am selfish and full of pride. Would it be okay with me if my purpose was to hold the hand of a random dying woman in some small town no one has ever heard of? What if God called me to wash the feet of people no one knew or cared about. Would I or could I say “Sure God, I will suffer through this thing called life all just to wash the feet of a bunch of no bodies.”  With no recognition, no glory? Just say “yes Lord sure thing, wherever you call me I am there.” I really wish I could tell you today that would be my answer. I desperately want to be that person. Thankfully God’s not done with me yet, He is working on me and molding me a day at a time; helping me to see people with His eyes and not my own.

My brother has become someone who has inspired and taught me. He has reminded my how to be humble, how to see and love people the way that God does. He has shown me my own brokenness and how he loves me anyway. My prayer today on Ron’s birthday is that God would continue to give me a heart like my brother’s that sees brokenness and hurting and does something about it, even if no one is watching.