The God I Almost Never Knew

Thanks to George Burns, for many years I pictured God as an old wrinkled up man with a cigar hanging from his lip and a glass of scotch in his hand. I suppose that dates me a bit. This was my earliest view but certainly not my only memory.

In my early years I envisioned God as the man upstairs, grandpa on the rocking chair, the booming voice from above and this was only the beginning. I was creative imaginative girl so I was always picturing Him in some new light.


My childhood though consisted of many happy memories, was tarnished by a selfish, abusive father, who in my adolescence abandoned me. As I grew older, my image of God was greatly influenced by the image of my father.


As an angry young teen, I envisioned God to be disinterested. I assumed He had a plan for this big world and if a couple of people were hurt or thrown to the side to accomplish this plan, oh well. Details of life and certainly little girls were of no interest to Him. None of it really mattered though because I was certain as soon as God discovered the real me (as if He didn’t know) He would likely abandon me anyway.


Gradually I would hear others talk about God. How wonderful and loving He was. I heard children sing “Jesus loves me this I know” and I would grimace. Soon it occurred to me that these two views of God could not exist at the same time. People were telling me God was loving,  but experience was telling me something entirely different. The only conclusion I could make was that God didn’t exist at all. It was the only thing that made any sense to me.


Living this way was lonely and emotionally draining. I felt so ugly and broken. I would look in the mirror and wonder “who would ever want this?” I was insecure and fragile when I met Terri. She was everything I wasn’t confident, smart, pretty and a Christian. Slowly she broke through my shell and showed me how to be loved unconditionally. You wouldn’t think a person would need to be shown this, I can’t really explain why, but I did. After months of asking and months of refusing I finally gave in to Terri’s invitation to go to church.


I went somewhat begrudgingly really only to get her off my back. I knew what to expect at church. Judgment, shame, guilt and lies were come to equate church to me. Instead I was greeted with grace, mercy and love. I am not exactly sure who I met that day, what the preacher spoke about or what songs were sung. I only know that it was the first time in a long time that I hadn’t felt alone. If only for a few minutes I felt a like a small blanket of peace had been draped over my shoulders. I wasn’t sure what it was but I knew I wanted to feel it again.


Eventually Terri won out and I went back to her church. I started to learn more and more about God. It began to occur to me, maybe this God exists after all. Here was the trouble, the more I learned the more conflicted I began to feel. The peace that I had experienced at first was slowly trickling away. One morning, our Sunday School teacher quoted Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I was so angry, “really God? What is my plan, Where is my hope? How could you let this happen to me? Where were you? Where are you?” I assumed I wasn’t who He was talking about in that Jeremiah verse. It seemed that once again I had been abandoned.


I was angry and I grew disinterested in church. It wasn’t long before one of these new friends checked in on me “Where had I been? What was going on?” I remember feeling like I might explode. I started pouring out everything, my broken dreams and my shattered heart. At the end I looked her in the face and said, “If this was God’s plan for me, I wish I had never been born at all.” I wept in her arms for what seemed like hours. Finally she turned to me and said “Lisa I would never be foolish enough to pretend to have all the answers, but I do know this one thing. God the Creator of the universe looked down and saw what was happening to His little child, you Lisa, and wept. Your dad made a terrible, terrible choice but God’s plan was STILL to give you a hope and a future.”

God wept? God wept over me? Are you kidding me? I had assumed so many things about God and none of them had been true. Not one. God is a loving God. He has a plan for me, a hope and a future. I had questioned “Where was God?” I know as sure as I know the sun will rise tomorrow that God was right there next to me, holding my hand. He was holding me, loving me and weeping.

This was the God I almost never knew. Thankfully God had other plans.

Who is God to you? Do you believe He has a plan for your life? You have a hope and a future? You do, trust me you do.

Special thanks to all those from Andover Christian Church for this amazing story, each one of you played an integral part and I will never be able to thank you for the unconditional love you showed me. (and of course Terri, I love you.)

I am hoping to attend the "She Speaks" conference in July. The She Speaks conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of God. The very desire of my heart is to serve Him and His daughters, as He leads. As a way to pay for this conference I am entering a scholarship contest and for this contest I was asked to write about something that reflects my heart. I couldn't think of anything more dear to me then how I came to know the true God and His plan for me. If you would like to learn more about the conference (perhaps go with me?) or enter the contest yourself, please check out the link below!

She Speaks

Father to the Fatherless

I saw this video recently and of course, if you know me at all you know I bawled my eyes out like a little baby. I watched it over and over, watched the dad bust through the crowd and the security guard, and then I watched him push others away to be there for his son. Drew came in while I was watching it and thought one of the kids died. I sobbed as I replayed the video for 42nd time.



I am so moved by a persistent, unadulterated, genuine father’s love. I supposed mostly because growing up I didn’t have it. My dad didn’t fight the crowd, or even drive his car across town to see me. He left me. Up until a few years ago a video like this would have angered me. I would wonder, why him (or her) and not me.



I remember hanging out in high school with a friend, her dad would practice softball pitches with us (despite the fact that I would NEVER be able to hit one) and take us out for ice cream. Sometimes at home ever as a teenager, my friend would crawl into her dad’s lap and he would hold her. I wanted to scream “Who will hold me? Who will love me?” I grew older and my friends would marry. Their dad’s would walk them down the isle and give them away, they would give their daughter’s a sappy speech with tears in their eyes and I would think, “Who will give me away? It’s too late I have already been given away.” About a year ago I watched a good friend of mine give a speech. I watched as her dad sat in the audience, he clung to every word she said. When she got done, I think her dad was ready to erupt, he was so proud of his daughter. While I was so happy for her, she had done such a good job; I was filled with such jealousy. “Is it wrong to want that?” I wondered. I had recently started public speaking and so badly I wanted someone to be in the audience and watch me, the way my friend’s dad watched her.



That night after people had left I sat in my chair. With my head slumped in my hands, I just cried “God I just want a father to love me like that.” I heard a gentle whisper, “you do, Lisa you do.” All at once it occurred to me, God was present where my earthly father was not. He was everything I needed and wanted. Even at 34 he would let me climb in his lap and weep like a baby. He would support and encourage me, even watch me with pride. He would prtect me and love me unconidtionally.

 I tell you all this for 3 reasons…

1) If you have ever been abandoned, I want you to know there is One who will NEVER abandon you. Where your heart aches for a father’s (or anyone else) love He is there to fill it. You are His child and He loves you, wherever you are, whatever you have done, no matter what your circumstances are.

2) If you have a dad who loves you, call him. Thank him. Tell him what he means to you and thank God that He gave you this amazing man. Don’t wait.

3) If you are a dad and you are reading this. Grab your child (boy or girl) and go hug them. Love them; tell them you are proud of them. (It wouldn’t hurt to take one of their fatherless friends out for ice cream)



Today I can watch a video like this one and feel nothing but incredible joy. God has shown me how He has provided for me all along the way. He gave me real men who made the choice to love and care for me. Every other need they couldn’t meet, He met and then some. When I see this video I am reminded that I have a father just like this one. One who will fight the crowds for me, one who will carry my burdens and heartache, One who protects and One who will walk with me to the finish.



A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. Psalm 68:5

Miss Myrtle

   After a long and difficult week I sit down (for only a moment) to reflect on the past few days. Its not like anything tragic happened or any crisis enfolded. Just for several days in a row things didn’t happen the way I hoped and things I hoped to happen just didn’t. For more time then I wish, I was surrounded by regret and frustration. I am not one to wallow in self-pity and too much time there drives me crazy. I give myself the same self-talk I give everyone else when they are feeling down. I remind myself of all the ways I am blessed, I remind myself that I have a God who loves me, I remind myself that because I have a warm place to sleep and a car to drive I am among the most wealthy in the world. It’s the speech I always give and I wonder if it bugs anyone else as much as it bugs me.  I feel guilt over feeling bad which really only makes me feel worse. It almost feels like a sin to feel bad, be joyful always, right? As I am processing these feelings (ha, only a parent of a special needs child uses the word processing) I am reminded of a sweet little lady named Myrtle. She was a resident in a nursing home where I used to volunteer. Sometimes on Sundays she would play the piano and I would sing (if you could call it that). Myrtle was always cheerful and happy. She greeted new residents and new every person (nurse, nurse’s aid, family member, volunteer and resident) by name. She saved her mid-day “snack” (little packages of oreo’s and vanilla cookies) for any smaller visitor she might pass by. She was in a wheelchair and could not longer live alone. She seemed to never have a bad day. One day I asked her “Myrtle, how do you do it, how can you always smile, aren’t you ever sad?” She smiled, her soft and gentle smile and told me “my sweet Lisa, life is sad, how could I never be sad? Its just when I am sad I am reminded how much better Heaven will be.” So I smile this afternoon as I reflect Miss. Myrtle and life lesson she taught me. Its okay to be sad, its okay to wish things were different. Just as long as I don’t allow those things to distract me from the One who has saved a place for me. Myrtle always wanted to sing “What a Day That Will Be”. Its funny, I didn’t even remember the song or the lyrics until today.


What A Day That Will Be

________________________________________

There is coming a day,

When no heart aches shall come,

No more clouds in the sky,

No more tears to dim the eye,

All is peace forever more,

On that happy golden shore,

What a day, glorious day that will be.



What a day that will be,

When my Jesus I shall see,

And I look upon His face,

The One who saved me by His grace;

When He takes me by the hand,

And leads me through the Promised Land,

What a day, glorious day that will be.



There'll be no sorrow there,

No more burdens to bear,

No more sickness, no pain,

No more parting over there;

And forever I will be,

With the One who died for me,

What a day, glorious day that will be.



What a day that will be,

When my Jesus I shall see,

And I look upon His face,

The One who saved me by His grace;

When He takes me by the hand,

And leads me through the Promised Land,

What a day, glorious day that will be

Its not that Myrtle’s heart never ached, its that she remembered what a day it would be when she did greet Him face to face. Miss Myrtle is gone now and is finally in that place. And today I am reminded that this place is temporary and time is short. Its not that I shouldn’t experience sadness I just need to be sure its not sadness without hope.

What a day that will be when I greet Him face to face. I am hopeful Miss Myrtle will be close with a package of Oreo’s to share and a piano to play. I can’t wait.

My Heart, My Passion

Many of you know that recently God has allowed me the opportunity to speak to various groups in the midwest area.  He has ignited a passion in me bring His healing truths to those who are hurting.  I am not exactly sure where God is going to take me on this great ride, but I am going to hang on and allow Him to lead me.  Thank you for encouraging and loving me.
In His Love,
Lisa

Women's Retreat

Treasure of the Heart

Women's Retreat

A Women’s Conference to Experience God and be Encouraged

Saturday March 27th
9-3:30pm FREE!
Massages, Manicures, Gardening Advice, Lunch, Chocolate & So Much More

CrossPoint Church
10936 Foley Blvd.
Coon Rapids
Questions? Call 763-755-3748
www.crosspointmn.com