Lost From God's Love

Four short words. I was speaking recently and at the end of my talk I ask for prayer requests, reminding those in attendance if it weren’t for those who diligently prayed me through I wouldn’t be standing before them. Since I can’t go back and pray for each of those people I pay it forward by praying for anyone who allows me the privilege. This has been one of speaking’s biggest blessings. I get to pray for jobs, homes, children and quite often I receive an email or card reporting of God’s provision and answers to their prayers. But once in a while I receive a heart aching request that sticks with me long after prayers are said. This was one of them.

“Lost from God’s Love” was scribbled across the card that had been folded in half. The person who handed it to me I remembered as her eyes never met my mine, she quietly slid me the card and escaped the room as if I might chase after her. I wish I had.

Her four words keep echoing in my mind. I want to tell her how she is not lost from God’s love, not now, not ever. I want to tell her, nothing she could do, nothing she could say can keep her lost from God’s love. I want to tell her to let “it” go whatever “it” is to the Master’s hands. I want to tell her she is loved.

It sticks with me so because I remember that feeling. I remember thinking, “God’s love must not be for me.” Look at my life, if He truly loved me, wouldn’t He have protected me? Besides I had been so angry with Him, I had made so many mistakes there is just not room for me in His love. I was tired of cliché’s and Sunday School answers, wondering…. “Where is God right now?” I too believed I was lost from God’s love.

I began to question God. “How could you love me? How could you continue to allow this to happen to me? I have been used and tossed away, how will You God be any different?” Oh the ache even as I type these questions. It is that deep pain you experience when you truly come face to face with your own existence. When the noise fades, the drink wears off; the friends leave and family betray you, leaving you with only you. And God.

My husband recently compared this to vomiting (I know gross huh, just like a guy) you know you feel so much pain and you hold it in and hold it in until you can’t bear it anymore and you have to let go. It is messy and uncomfortable, (not to mention disgusting) but once it is all out you begin to realize you feel better. All of a sudden the stuff you have been hanging on to, the stuff you have been stuffing is gone and you can begin to heal.

When I started to ask questions, when I started to get real, get real with myself and get real with God, He could bring in the healing. When I quit telling others how good I was, when I admitted my mess. When I got out the stuff and finally admitted I alone was not enough. God began to come in and bring in healing, wholeness and a peace I couldn’t even begin to imagine before. He began to show me His love, His plan, His grace. He showed me that people were going to let me down (just as I have let many down) yet He was NEVER going to leave me, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. He was never going to abuse me or make me walk alone.

This evening as I prepare for bed for about the thousandth time today I lift her up, I ask God to place His hand on her, I ask God to show Himself to her in a mighty way. Since I am guessing He is already doing this I ask God more importantly to give her eyes to see it and a heart to hear it. I pray that she will soon realize that has never been and never will be “Lost from His love”.

Time Flies....

I did it, I didn’t think I would ever do it but…. I did it.

It all started at my local grocery store. I was walking aimlessly down an aisle, the soup aisle I believe, when a little girl crashed her child size cart into my knees. I looked up only to see her poor mother at the very end of herself. In addition to the little Evil Kinevil with the tiny shopping cart there was a second tiny little cherub who interrupted her screaming just long enough to check me out. The exhausted mother was trying to balance herself in between inserting the pacifier into the littlest one and reigning in her little race car driver. It was then that I knelt down and looked that little one in the eye and said…. “I think you are the fastest grocery shopper here, I think you should enter grocery shopping Olympics” the sweet little peanut looked so proud. Then I glanced up at her mother, sighed and said “it will all be over before you know it, just savor these days.”
Immediately I thought “Just savor these days? Did I actually just say that?” The woman just returned my smile with the most phony looking grin and nodded “uh huh”. See I knew what she was thinking. I had been given that line a few times. Okay let’s be honest a few hundred times, it was usually after my son dumped the pyramid of canned corn over or when my daughter melted to the floor after getting her dum-dum sucker request denied. I remember standing in the middle of the grocery store thinking, “I just want to shop ALONE!” And now here I am shopping alone.

I know I shouldn't be such a sap. My kids still live at home and still drive me crazy just in new and exciting ways. For example, this morning my daughter was digging through her backpack looking for some lost thing on the bottom of her backpack when she suddenly realizes she forgot to put in her favorite earrings and this was of course about 3 minutes before we had to leave. I told her we would find them this afternoon, but she sobbed, “if you don’t put them in now my ears will close up and its soccer now so I can’t get them re-pierced and then I will never get to have earrings again!!!!” Seriously? The drama of it all. Next thing I knew I was having a mini-debate on how long it takes for earring holes to close up. It would have taken less time to find the silly earrings, put them in and drive her to school and back.

Later I explain my morning drama (the earrings were only the beginning) with a friend over coffee and she looks over at me, sighs with tears in her eyes and says “just wait soon they will be leaving for college and you will be wishing you were still fighting over earrings.” “Really” I was thinking, “you are really gonna play that card?” If she hadn’t look so sad, I would have dumped my latte right over her head.

Sometimes it can be so hard to see the blessing of what you are in and so annoying when others try to point it out to you. I can see the blessing of a little girl in a grocery store because the little hands I have held seem to be growing quicker then I would like. The truth is, time while your in it can sometimes seem to stand still but time when you look back on it whizzes by in far too much of a hurry.

So as hard as it can be sometimes, try, just try, to take a big deep breath and just enjoy the moment you are in.

Remember that thing my littlest one was searching for in her backpack? When I returned home today, I found it. She left it on the stairs for me.

The God I Almost Never Knew

Thanks to George Burns, for many years I pictured God as an old wrinkled up man with a cigar hanging from his lip and a glass of scotch in his hand. I suppose that dates me a bit. This was my earliest view but certainly not my only memory.

In my early years I envisioned God as the man upstairs, grandpa on the rocking chair, the booming voice from above and this was only the beginning. I was creative imaginative girl so I was always picturing Him in some new light.


My childhood though consisted of many happy memories, was tarnished by a selfish, abusive father, who in my adolescence abandoned me. As I grew older, my image of God was greatly influenced by the image of my father.


As an angry young teen, I envisioned God to be disinterested. I assumed He had a plan for this big world and if a couple of people were hurt or thrown to the side to accomplish this plan, oh well. Details of life and certainly little girls were of no interest to Him. None of it really mattered though because I was certain as soon as God discovered the real me (as if He didn’t know) He would likely abandon me anyway.


Gradually I would hear others talk about God. How wonderful and loving He was. I heard children sing “Jesus loves me this I know” and I would grimace. Soon it occurred to me that these two views of God could not exist at the same time. People were telling me God was loving,  but experience was telling me something entirely different. The only conclusion I could make was that God didn’t exist at all. It was the only thing that made any sense to me.


Living this way was lonely and emotionally draining. I felt so ugly and broken. I would look in the mirror and wonder “who would ever want this?” I was insecure and fragile when I met Terri. She was everything I wasn’t confident, smart, pretty and a Christian. Slowly she broke through my shell and showed me how to be loved unconditionally. You wouldn’t think a person would need to be shown this, I can’t really explain why, but I did. After months of asking and months of refusing I finally gave in to Terri’s invitation to go to church.


I went somewhat begrudgingly really only to get her off my back. I knew what to expect at church. Judgment, shame, guilt and lies were come to equate church to me. Instead I was greeted with grace, mercy and love. I am not exactly sure who I met that day, what the preacher spoke about or what songs were sung. I only know that it was the first time in a long time that I hadn’t felt alone. If only for a few minutes I felt a like a small blanket of peace had been draped over my shoulders. I wasn’t sure what it was but I knew I wanted to feel it again.


Eventually Terri won out and I went back to her church. I started to learn more and more about God. It began to occur to me, maybe this God exists after all. Here was the trouble, the more I learned the more conflicted I began to feel. The peace that I had experienced at first was slowly trickling away. One morning, our Sunday School teacher quoted Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I was so angry, “really God? What is my plan, Where is my hope? How could you let this happen to me? Where were you? Where are you?” I assumed I wasn’t who He was talking about in that Jeremiah verse. It seemed that once again I had been abandoned.


I was angry and I grew disinterested in church. It wasn’t long before one of these new friends checked in on me “Where had I been? What was going on?” I remember feeling like I might explode. I started pouring out everything, my broken dreams and my shattered heart. At the end I looked her in the face and said, “If this was God’s plan for me, I wish I had never been born at all.” I wept in her arms for what seemed like hours. Finally she turned to me and said “Lisa I would never be foolish enough to pretend to have all the answers, but I do know this one thing. God the Creator of the universe looked down and saw what was happening to His little child, you Lisa, and wept. Your dad made a terrible, terrible choice but God’s plan was STILL to give you a hope and a future.”

God wept? God wept over me? Are you kidding me? I had assumed so many things about God and none of them had been true. Not one. God is a loving God. He has a plan for me, a hope and a future. I had questioned “Where was God?” I know as sure as I know the sun will rise tomorrow that God was right there next to me, holding my hand. He was holding me, loving me and weeping.

This was the God I almost never knew. Thankfully God had other plans.

Who is God to you? Do you believe He has a plan for your life? You have a hope and a future? You do, trust me you do.

Special thanks to all those from Andover Christian Church for this amazing story, each one of you played an integral part and I will never be able to thank you for the unconditional love you showed me. (and of course Terri, I love you.)

I am hoping to attend the "She Speaks" conference in July. The She Speaks conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of God. The very desire of my heart is to serve Him and His daughters, as He leads. As a way to pay for this conference I am entering a scholarship contest and for this contest I was asked to write about something that reflects my heart. I couldn't think of anything more dear to me then how I came to know the true God and His plan for me. If you would like to learn more about the conference (perhaps go with me?) or enter the contest yourself, please check out the link below!

She Speaks

Father to the Fatherless

I saw this video recently and of course, if you know me at all you know I bawled my eyes out like a little baby. I watched it over and over, watched the dad bust through the crowd and the security guard, and then I watched him push others away to be there for his son. Drew came in while I was watching it and thought one of the kids died. I sobbed as I replayed the video for 42nd time.



I am so moved by a persistent, unadulterated, genuine father’s love. I supposed mostly because growing up I didn’t have it. My dad didn’t fight the crowd, or even drive his car across town to see me. He left me. Up until a few years ago a video like this would have angered me. I would wonder, why him (or her) and not me.



I remember hanging out in high school with a friend, her dad would practice softball pitches with us (despite the fact that I would NEVER be able to hit one) and take us out for ice cream. Sometimes at home ever as a teenager, my friend would crawl into her dad’s lap and he would hold her. I wanted to scream “Who will hold me? Who will love me?” I grew older and my friends would marry. Their dad’s would walk them down the isle and give them away, they would give their daughter’s a sappy speech with tears in their eyes and I would think, “Who will give me away? It’s too late I have already been given away.” About a year ago I watched a good friend of mine give a speech. I watched as her dad sat in the audience, he clung to every word she said. When she got done, I think her dad was ready to erupt, he was so proud of his daughter. While I was so happy for her, she had done such a good job; I was filled with such jealousy. “Is it wrong to want that?” I wondered. I had recently started public speaking and so badly I wanted someone to be in the audience and watch me, the way my friend’s dad watched her.



That night after people had left I sat in my chair. With my head slumped in my hands, I just cried “God I just want a father to love me like that.” I heard a gentle whisper, “you do, Lisa you do.” All at once it occurred to me, God was present where my earthly father was not. He was everything I needed and wanted. Even at 34 he would let me climb in his lap and weep like a baby. He would support and encourage me, even watch me with pride. He would prtect me and love me unconidtionally.

 I tell you all this for 3 reasons…

1) If you have ever been abandoned, I want you to know there is One who will NEVER abandon you. Where your heart aches for a father’s (or anyone else) love He is there to fill it. You are His child and He loves you, wherever you are, whatever you have done, no matter what your circumstances are.

2) If you have a dad who loves you, call him. Thank him. Tell him what he means to you and thank God that He gave you this amazing man. Don’t wait.

3) If you are a dad and you are reading this. Grab your child (boy or girl) and go hug them. Love them; tell them you are proud of them. (It wouldn’t hurt to take one of their fatherless friends out for ice cream)



Today I can watch a video like this one and feel nothing but incredible joy. God has shown me how He has provided for me all along the way. He gave me real men who made the choice to love and care for me. Every other need they couldn’t meet, He met and then some. When I see this video I am reminded that I have a father just like this one. One who will fight the crowds for me, one who will carry my burdens and heartache, One who protects and One who will walk with me to the finish.



A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. Psalm 68:5

Miss Myrtle

   After a long and difficult week I sit down (for only a moment) to reflect on the past few days. Its not like anything tragic happened or any crisis enfolded. Just for several days in a row things didn’t happen the way I hoped and things I hoped to happen just didn’t. For more time then I wish, I was surrounded by regret and frustration. I am not one to wallow in self-pity and too much time there drives me crazy. I give myself the same self-talk I give everyone else when they are feeling down. I remind myself of all the ways I am blessed, I remind myself that I have a God who loves me, I remind myself that because I have a warm place to sleep and a car to drive I am among the most wealthy in the world. It’s the speech I always give and I wonder if it bugs anyone else as much as it bugs me.  I feel guilt over feeling bad which really only makes me feel worse. It almost feels like a sin to feel bad, be joyful always, right? As I am processing these feelings (ha, only a parent of a special needs child uses the word processing) I am reminded of a sweet little lady named Myrtle. She was a resident in a nursing home where I used to volunteer. Sometimes on Sundays she would play the piano and I would sing (if you could call it that). Myrtle was always cheerful and happy. She greeted new residents and new every person (nurse, nurse’s aid, family member, volunteer and resident) by name. She saved her mid-day “snack” (little packages of oreo’s and vanilla cookies) for any smaller visitor she might pass by. She was in a wheelchair and could not longer live alone. She seemed to never have a bad day. One day I asked her “Myrtle, how do you do it, how can you always smile, aren’t you ever sad?” She smiled, her soft and gentle smile and told me “my sweet Lisa, life is sad, how could I never be sad? Its just when I am sad I am reminded how much better Heaven will be.” So I smile this afternoon as I reflect Miss. Myrtle and life lesson she taught me. Its okay to be sad, its okay to wish things were different. Just as long as I don’t allow those things to distract me from the One who has saved a place for me. Myrtle always wanted to sing “What a Day That Will Be”. Its funny, I didn’t even remember the song or the lyrics until today.


What A Day That Will Be

________________________________________

There is coming a day,

When no heart aches shall come,

No more clouds in the sky,

No more tears to dim the eye,

All is peace forever more,

On that happy golden shore,

What a day, glorious day that will be.



What a day that will be,

When my Jesus I shall see,

And I look upon His face,

The One who saved me by His grace;

When He takes me by the hand,

And leads me through the Promised Land,

What a day, glorious day that will be.



There'll be no sorrow there,

No more burdens to bear,

No more sickness, no pain,

No more parting over there;

And forever I will be,

With the One who died for me,

What a day, glorious day that will be.



What a day that will be,

When my Jesus I shall see,

And I look upon His face,

The One who saved me by His grace;

When He takes me by the hand,

And leads me through the Promised Land,

What a day, glorious day that will be

Its not that Myrtle’s heart never ached, its that she remembered what a day it would be when she did greet Him face to face. Miss Myrtle is gone now and is finally in that place. And today I am reminded that this place is temporary and time is short. Its not that I shouldn’t experience sadness I just need to be sure its not sadness without hope.

What a day that will be when I greet Him face to face. I am hopeful Miss Myrtle will be close with a package of Oreo’s to share and a piano to play. I can’t wait.