It's Been a While.....

I am going to painfully honest. Mostly because it takes way too much energy to fake anything else.

I used to think this thing of faith was something of beauty, a destination you reach and a gorgeous place in which you live. If it were a painting it would be this sort of masterpiece. One that rests on the wall, that people buy tickets just to have a glimpse. The radiance so heavenly one would stand in awe. This is what I used to think.

Instead I have to come to this place and faith is not a place, not a destination, not a singular thing. Not static, not still, not simple and most definitely not always beautiful. It could be just me. My faith seems to be constantly evolving, messy, often glorious, and just as often challenging, occasionally still, sometimes overwhelming, a deep and long journey with a beginning and no real end.

I want to wrap faith up in a package of simply believing, trusting and living. It is simpler that way. Each time I think I have things figured out, I feel comfortable with my own explanation, life happens and I learn that I still have so much I do not understand.

May 27^th I received a phone call that one of my daughters was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital and my other daughter was on her way via helicopter. There had been an accident. The rest was a blur. My husband drove. I begged God for His mercy. My daughter was in a helicopter I knew what this meant, I could lose her. In my lifetime of memories I cannot recall ever being so scared. I sat in my seat inconsolable. My husband (an amazing man of great faith) told me to trust God, that He was with them. This is one of the only things I remember distinctly saying “God is with all kinds of people during really bad things.”

Fortunately, my girls were okay. They had injuries that could be fixed and the important stuff was intact.

I know how lucky we were. I recognize how many other parents do not get the same outcome. Everyone kept telling me how God was watching them and how He spared them. I was and am so grateful. But I am also confused. If God was with them and saved them, why? And why doesn’t He do that for everyone? And why, in that moment couldn’t I believe that? Was this a test of faith and if so, had I failed?

Honestly, I still do not have the answers to all of my questions. I do not know why some parents cry with relief and others cry with grief. I just don’t.

I sent my friend a text that night. I was disappointed with myself. She reminded me I was human and tragedy happens. I hadn’t failed. I had persevered. It was not pass/fail and I was not being graded.

Life has gotten more serious since May 27^th. Time is more valuable. People are indispensable. Stuff is… well stuff. Life is a moment in time and eternity is forever.

Faith is easy when I am happy. Faith is precious when it finds balance with both joy and sorrow. For me, I will pick precious over easy Every. Single. Time.

“Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand” -Ara Stanphil