Dear Friends,
I am neither a pediatrician nor a psychologist. I am just a
girl who has been molested. I am a person who deeply desires to see all
children grow up in a safe and healthy environment. Here are some thoughts from
someone who has been there.
Steps to Keeping Kids
Safe
Teach your kids
correct anatomical terms
Use the words “vagina” and “penis”. It teaches them not to be embarrassed. It
gives children the ability to communicate clearly about their body and does not
give room for miscommunication or misunderstanding.
Explain that those
body parts are private
Don’t give exceptions. They are private areas and no one
should ask to look at or touch them period.
If or when the time comes that a doctor needs to look at or touch those areas
they will explain (if they are any kind of professional at all) what they are
doing and why it is okay for them to be doing so.
Empower your child
to have control over their own body
Yes they have private areas but that doesn’t mean the
rest of their body is up for grabs. Allow your child to decide if they want to
hug or show affection to another person. Telling a child that no one should
touch them in an uncomfortable way and then forcing that same child to hug
someone sends a mixed message. Instead of saying “Give grandma a hug” try asking
“Grandma is leaving would you like to give her a hug?” It conveys the message that
their body belongs to them and they can choose what they are comfortable with.
If they say no, encourage a secret handshake or fist bump. If you are with another child ASK if it is okay for you to hug them
or embrace them. Give them space to say no without shame.
Be vigilant!
There have been several articles floating around that
suggest saying no to sleepovers. I have no disagreement with this philosophy;
however do NOT assume that having no sleepovers equals safety. Many of the
people I talk to say that their abuse happened during the day, often in a house
full of people. A good friend of mine told me that her uncle fondled her at
holiday times. He would tell her to sit on his lap and with everyone sitting
there he would touch her and no one suspected a thing. Abuse can happen
anytime, anywhere by anyone. Listen to your gut and do not assume any one step
(including the ones listed here) will guarantee safety.
Do not assume “I
would know.”
This might be one of the biggest mistakes. You may not know. Often the places or people you
feel the safest with may actually be the most dangerous. Places where people
care for children; scouts, church, schools become risky because of our false
sense of security. This does not mean we live in fear or never participate in
things we just need to be vigilant, ask questions and be present. Perpetrators
are smart and look for vulnerability. When news of my dad came out no one could
believe it, he was loved by everyone. One family friend told me he was the “very
last person” she would ever expect.
Keep the lines of
communication WIDE open
These conversations can be uncomfortable (geez these
words are uncomfortable for me to write) but do not let that stop you from
having them. When there are stories in the news I talk to my kids about them in
an age appropriate manner. Recently there was a man in the news who assaulted
his teenage daughter’s friend. I used that as an opportunity to talk to my
older daughters about why I am so fussy about the places they hang out even
though they are 17 and 20.
Do not forget the
boys
Recent research shows that 1 in 6 boys are sexually
abused before age 18. As hard as it is for girls to come forward the stigma for
boys is much, much worse. We need to remember that boys can become victims too.
Lastly if you become aware of abuse that happens to your
child. Believe them! Tell them at least
100 times it is not their fault and DO something. They will remember forever what steps you
took and how you took them.
You might feel that these tips steal away your child’s innocence.
I supposed there might be some truth to that. It saddens me that this is the
world in which we live. I wish it wasn’t. Let me promise you though, I know
this one thing firsthand, if your child becomes the victim of sexual abuse the innocence
that will be lost is immeasurable.
Love,
Lisa & Sally (my mom)
No comments:
Post a Comment