Saturday, November 11, 2017

Keeping Kids Safe(r)


Dear Friends,

I am neither a pediatrician nor a psychologist. I am just a girl who has been molested. I am a person who deeply desires to see all children grow up in a safe and healthy environment. Here are some thoughts from someone who has been there.

Steps to Keeping Kids Safe

Teach your kids correct anatomical terms

Use the words “vagina” and “penis”.  It teaches them not to be embarrassed. It gives children the ability to communicate clearly about their body and does not give room for miscommunication or misunderstanding.



Explain that those body parts are private

Don’t give exceptions. They are private areas and no one should ask to look at or touch them period. If or when the time comes that a doctor needs to look at or touch those areas they will explain (if they are any kind of professional at all) what they are doing and why it is okay for them to be doing so.



Empower your child to have control over their own body

Yes they have private areas but that doesn’t mean the rest of their body is up for grabs. Allow your child to decide if they want to hug or show affection to another person. Telling a child that no one should touch them in an uncomfortable way and then forcing that same child to hug someone sends a mixed message.   Instead of saying “Give grandma a hug” try asking “Grandma is leaving would you like to give her a hug?” It conveys the message that their body belongs to them and they can choose what they are comfortable with. If they say no, encourage a secret handshake or fist bump.  If you are with another child ASK if it is okay for you to hug them or embrace them. Give them space to say no without shame.



Be vigilant!

There have been several articles floating around that suggest saying no to sleepovers. I have no disagreement with this philosophy; however do NOT assume that having no sleepovers equals safety. Many of the people I talk to say that their abuse happened during the day, often in a house full of people. A good friend of mine told me that her uncle fondled her at holiday times. He would tell her to sit on his lap and with everyone sitting there he would touch her and no one suspected a thing. Abuse can happen anytime, anywhere by anyone. Listen to your gut and do not assume any one step (including the ones listed here) will guarantee safety.



Do not assume “I would know.”

This might be one of the biggest mistakes. You may not know. Often the places or people you feel the safest with may actually be the most dangerous. Places where people care for children; scouts, church, schools become risky because of our false sense of security. This does not mean we live in fear or never participate in things we just need to be vigilant, ask questions and be present. Perpetrators are smart and look for vulnerability. When news of my dad came out no one could believe it, he was loved by everyone. One family friend told me he was the “very last person” she would ever expect.



Keep the lines of communication WIDE open

These conversations can be uncomfortable (geez these words are uncomfortable for me to write) but do not let that stop you from having them. When there are stories in the news I talk to my kids about them in an age appropriate manner. Recently there was a man in the news who assaulted his teenage daughter’s friend. I used that as an opportunity to talk to my older daughters about why I am so fussy about the places they hang out even though they are 17 and 20.



Do not forget the boys

Recent research shows that 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before age 18. As hard as it is for girls to come forward the stigma for boys is much, much worse. We need to remember that boys can become victims too.



Lastly if you become aware of abuse that happens to your child. Believe them! Tell them at least 100 times it is not their fault and DO something.  They will remember forever what steps you took and how you took them.



You might feel that these tips steal away your child’s innocence. I supposed there might be some truth to that. It saddens me that this is the world in which we live. I wish it wasn’t. Let me promise you though, I know this one thing firsthand, if your child becomes the victim of sexual abuse the innocence that will be lost is immeasurable.

Love,
Lisa & Sally (my mom)

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