Pleasing People

“He is really such a people pleaser.” It was about the 12^th time my son’s teacher said this in the morning IEP meeting. The first 6 times she said it I was thinking it was a good thing, it was followed up with “He is so cooperative” and “Ben is so flexible” but the tone began to change and it appeared that the group didn’t think Ben’s people pleasing was such a gift after all. You know that moment in time when you suddenly see something in your child that you don’t like about yourself?

My name is Lisa and I am an admitted People Pleaser. I have read self-help books on the subject, I met with therapists regarding the issue, requested wise counsel on the matter but honestly 36 years later I haven’t changed much. I like people to be happy and I like it even more when they are happy with me.

All day long it bothered me. How did I unleash this terrible habit on my son? Will he ever learn to stand up for himself? Will he be beaten down and never find satisfaction? After all who can ever please everybody? I worried, I prayed that my deficient mother skills hadn’t brought too much harm to him or at the very least it might be reversible.

When Ben finally returned home I sat him down. I explained to him how important it was that he realized it wasn’t his job to make everyone happy not only that but his self-esteem shouldn’t depend on what others think of him, only what God thought of him. At that point I think he might have thought I lost my mind because he gave me an exasperated “MOM what in the world are you talking about?” I told him about the meeting and my fears for him. Then he said “Well mom, I don’t care. I truly don’t care. I mean I am just happy to be there. So I figure hey, if they care about something more than I do, why not let them have their way? (long pause/sigh) Mom is that wrong?” 

I had to think for a while, honestly too long because by the time I had an answer it was too late, he was gone. I am pretty sure he wasn’t really asking me a question. And that is how it is with Ben, more often than not he is the one teaching me the life lesson rather than the other way around.

People pleasing is not always bad.  In fact it can be quite good. If you care deeply for someone, you are sincerely grateful (as Ben is to be at a truly amazing school) or you believe in the golden rule, why not go out of your way to please someone else? Lesson learned. I probably should have consulted Ben before therapy, think of the money I could have saved!

What a Day!

Christmas in August, that is the last time I bogged. Ha! Guess I will never make a living blogging. lol In August Black Friday, preparation for Christmas seemed so far away. It reminds me how fast time really goes.  Upside Down Black Friday occurred yesterday and it really was a wonderful day. My kids weren’t thrilled to hear we were going to forgo the traditional Christmas shopping trip but after a day of rolling and decorating cookies with their friends they got over it. Hundreds of cookies were decorated and many loaves of bread were baked, blankets, cards and bag lunches were assembled and lots of wonderful surprises were delivered.  When I planned the event I was excited about making cookies, blessing others and putting a smile on God’s face. But honestly I wasn’t prepared for the overwhelming emotion I had when I stopped and looked around the room for a moment. I am always trying to determine what is it that God is trying to teach me. I thought yesterday might have been a lesson of sacrifice, giving and serving. Instead, I believe what God was showing me is how richly blessed I am. I was not sacrificing ANYTHING! I looked around the room and saw my children engaging in serving with amazing people I have come to know and love. My husband (who out of his love for me) rescued me with a couple trips to the store for items we needed. My mother and mother-in-law worked all day cooking, cleaning, pretty much doing anything I asked to help make the day happen. People ran to get items that I didn’t think of, things that would add to the day. All around the room, older people were helping the younger ones and younger people were helping older ones. Strangers and families all gathered for a greater cause. God allowed me to see a glimpse of the MANY, MANY ways He has shown me love through the people around me. I am humbled and deeply blessed. I am supported by a church that believes in its family and encourages them to live out the things God has placed on their heart. Then at the end of the day standing in the shelter I watched a young girl have more compassion in her little finger then the rest of us together, love on and encourage those in the shelter. When most of us grown adults were dealing with our discomfort and awkwardness this young lady stepped out boldly and was Jesus to the broken. Wow, I am so blessed. I am surrounded by cheerleaders and encouragers, servers and givers. God has blessed me richly and I am so grateful.

Christmas in August?

I know it’s a little soon to think about Christmas in August but hey they had school supplies out before school even ended.  You know it won’t be long and the red and green tinsel will be donning the shelves of Target.

I have to admit Christmas as a kid was the most exciting day of the year but honestly as an adult I start to feel anxiety at the  mere mention of the word. Instead of sugarplums dancing in my head I have Discover card bills and arguments with my husband (usually in the middle of the Target electronics aisle). I would like to blame Target ads and Walmart schemes for this festive heartburn however I think it is time to put my big girl panties on and face my own music. I am an adult. I have choices.

About now you are thinking “whoah Lisa, its August, chill out.” You see it all started when I was researching women’s Bible studies. I needed a  4 week study for November/December and that is when I came across a study called The Advent Conspiracy. The premise of the study is basically taking back Christmas. It is based on the following principles “Worship fully, spend less, (money on plastic junk) give more (of your presence) and love all.” It is for those who tired of commercialism and materialism. (and Discover card bills and fights in Target) The movement suggests giving some of the money you save for something that will make an eternal difference. Their organization of choice is Living Water International (since just a fraction of what Americans spend in one Christmas could provide clean water to the entire world) but they encourage you to find your own movement or organization to benefit.

For more information check it out….

So now I have a choice to make. I can think about, heck even do the study and talk about how I need to make a change but just continue the pattern or I can DECIDE to make a change. Make it public and do something. It has to be intentional and planned or Black Friday ads will arrive and I will forget my whole August pledge. I am going to begin my plan of attack now, today to bring CHRISTmas back. (at least to my little piece of the world)

I am still working on what this will look like (any and all ideas/guidance/wisdom would be appreciated) but I am starting with this…… Black Friday or what I would like to call Walmartmas. Instead of sleeping at Best Buy or praying for the Old Navy golden ticket I am going to begin the first phase of attack.

Phase 1-On Black Friday I am officially inviting you, yes you to my home where I will serve you breakfast. We will then spend the morning/afternoon making Christmas cookies/breads/whatever yummy we can think of. We will then deliver them to the different shut ins/widows/homeless/whoever God crosses our paths with. Children are encouraged and invited to attend. More details will follow. J

I have read the complaints about Target ads wishing Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas but since when is it Target’s job to spread the Good News? Is that what we as Christians have reduced ourselves to? It is our story, we need to tell it. Better yet, how about we live it?

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait?

Good things come to those who wait. It’s a phrase I have heard quite a bit lately. Every time I hear those 7 words I think to myself is this the good things? Have I finally arrived at jubilee?

I want to offer another thought…. Maybe just maybe good things come to those who are waiting.

There was a point in my life I didn’t want to answer another phone call or open the mailbox in fear it would simply be another portal of bad news. I was certain for a while that God forgot about me or that my life was simply proof God couldn’t exist at all. I have waded through all the possible journey points in my life.  I don’t say this as a plea for pity; I mean after all don’t we all have some junk?

During some very dark times of my life I would hear “time will heal” and I think we all know there is some truth to this. Yet, in the moment all that I felt sure of is my tunnel was pitch black with no sight of any light at the end. Some days I felt as if I may not be able to take another breath, the burden was so heavy.  If you have been there you know just what I am talking about.

There were no lights at the end BUT I began to find there were tiny little lights just barely bright enough to see the next step ahead. Not enough to actually plan a journey but enough to avoid the pit under foot. They showed up in forms of phone calls, meals, words, hugs, tears, letters, packages, diapers :) and on and on. God used people to show me I could survive I could make it, I could breathe, I could walk. One day I came across this verse ^“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 and I recognized I could not control my situation (for the most part) but I could control my response. I found that I could rejoice in the small stuff, pray over all stuff and develop a heart of gratefulness.

Sounds nice right? It is nice but it was also incredible difficult. Day by day, moment by moment God was shaping and molding me through my tears and encounters. If it’s up to me I don’t want to live it again, it was so painful and hard but I would never want to give up what I have seen God do and accomplish in my life.

Recently I was accepted into nursing school for the fall, (which has been a lifelong dream) my husband was offered his dream job (and I mean his DREAM job) my son was accepted into a school that 4 months ago he was 124^th on the list and the blessings go on and on. I guess this is why people assume good things come to those who wait. The trouble is sometimes good things don’t come to those who wait. Sometimes good faithful people wait, hurt and still things don’t ever seem to turn around. The other problem is there is always tomorrow. Let’s face it… people whom I love are going to get sick, friends and family are going to pass away in fact my very own body is going to die someday, maybe tomorrow. My kids are going to make choices I don’t agree with, friends are going to hurt me, I am going to fail myself. If we always wait for what is to come we will miss the joy of the moment.

Recently I have had a lot of joyous occasions, reasons to stop and say “THANK YOU GOD! I love you, thank you for how you have touched my life” But long ago I was given these gifts….

•     The ability to see people through God’s eyes, we all have a story, right?
•   A dependence on God that will not be swayed by lack of money or circumstance for I have seen Him do the impossible.
•   I have experienced the presence of God that to this day when I recall the moment I can still feel it. I know that I never have been and never will be alone.
•   God always answers prayer
•   God loves me even when I fail and am messy (which is pretty much all the time)

Jobs, school, money, successes, amazing husbands (like mine) these things are good, oh so good. I rejoice and praise God for them. They are good however they will never as good as the amazing truths God taught me in the pit.

Good things come to those who wait (sometimes) this is true, for me though….

Good things came to me while I was waiting.

I don't know much but I know this one thing

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is found in John 9. It is about a random guy on the street. He had been born blind and Jesus healed him. When the officials of the time questioned him about it (trying to disprove Jesus) the man finally just told them ““Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!”  I believe that man probably was able to tell better of God’s love just by sharing what God had done for him.

This man’s story was his testimony to what God can do. I love that Jesus didn’t go to theological places of the time, didn’t check the man’s ID or find out what clubs he belonged to. He didn’t go looking for the best public speaker or the one with the most Bible knowledge. Just a man, a normal guy on the street.

This gives me hope. J

I don’t know much but I know this one thing. My heart was broken. No not just broken but smashed into a million pieces, even the best puzzle solver couldn’t have put it back together. Until God the healer came in and mended it. He replaced the broken pieces and made me whole again. I don’t have fancy words or deep theological thoughts. I just have a story. I was broken and now I am healed. Where there was once devastation, there now lies hope. Where there was once sorrow there is joy.